I blame you

I was at one of the darkest points of my life. I was completely lost and had absolutely no direction as to where my life was going. I was allowing myself to be put into situations and environments that made me highly uncomfortable just so I could have some kind of interaction with other humans. At first when I met you, I was apprehensive. I didn’t know if it was safe to open up to you; until I did. At first it started out like how they all do: a crush, a need to be needed, etc. I don’t remember the actual event, but one day I fell for you. I fell hard and I for the long run. Youd made it very clear that you did not want that. I did everything in my power to move on and let go but it was not easy. We lived together and I didn’t have any space away from you to bury those feelings. Eventually I thought I was able to turn love of my life feelings into my ride or die / bff type feelings. And then I got pregnant. The first trimester was terrifying, I didn’t know what was going to happen to me or the baby, if we had a home or if you even wanted us to stay. Then the second trimester hit, and I thought everything was ok. You seemed so happy despite the nerves of having a kid 14 years after your other one. You spared no one, anytime we went out you bragged on and on about how were having a baby and how far along I was… I started to fall again. Then the third trimester. It started with you saying how much you loved me and that we would probably get married one day or be an official couple at the very least. I understood that you loved me but weren’t ready for the commitment of a relationship just yet. I still very much believed in us though. I could tell towards the end of the pregnancy that you were drawing away and I wanted to believe that it was nerves. I prayed that’s all it was. The first night after she was born you downloaded a game on your phone. That decision will forever haunt my life. The rest of this story is not for you.

I was a brand-new mom. My best friend and the person I was waiting for had gotten me pregnant after a night out. I was scared, excited and relieved that he was the father. I don’t want to presume I know everything about what you were going through, but you had your family and your happily ever after. He met you online and you worked your magic. We had never been exclusive, although I lived as if we were. I had seen him have flings that lasted a day or a week at times over the years but never anything like this. Not even four months after our daughter was born, he decided that he didn’t want me in any way anymore. He cut me out like I meant nothing. As of three and a half years and a baby later had never happened. The next twelve months were the absolute worst months of my entire life. If you know anything about what I have been through in my life, then you know that means something. I am not going to get into all of the details right now, but I can say that I will never forgive the lying, the manipulation, the gas lighting, the emotional abuse, and the trauma you put me and my baby through. Postpartum depression and rage were hard enough to handle without the added stress. Not to mention the fear that he was going to hop on a plane to go see you and never come back. Then as quickly as it all started, you ended it. You used him for your personal satisfaction, and you didn’t care about the consequences it led to. You didn't care about the damage to cause our lives. A few months after it ended, he told me he had made a mistake, that he wanted to be with me. I was apprehensive. How was it that I finally had everything I prayed so hard for, and I didn’t want it anymore? Answer, I didn’t trust it anymore. I didn’t trust him anymore. A week or two ago, he found out that you had been here just a few days before. He somehow had missed your text that you were in town. Probably his one chance to meet you in person and he blew it. Not long after he ended our relationship without even telling me. All of a sudden, we were just friends again. I might be important to him, but he does not love me. I don’t know if he loves you, or if he ever did, but I know that whatever he felt for you he will never feel for me. I know that all the effort I put in over the years, all my promises to wait for him to be ready, were wasted. And I know that I blame you. Any time I am reminded of you I cannot help but think that you are the woman who took everything from me. Because of his feelings for you, I will never get it back, and now I feel trapped.