Anymore

I don’t love you anymore.

Let those words sink in for a moment.

How does it feel?

How does it feel to hear them come from me?

How does it feel to know that this time, I mean it?

I know how it feels.

I know how it feels to say it.

I know how it feels to believe in it.

I broke every part of myself to be more like able. I told myself I was willing to wait for you no matter how long it took. All the times you chose someone else over me. All the times you used me. All the times you destroyed me. I waited for you. I believed in you. I loved you. There were periods where I was the only person who had your back. I was the only person who was there for you when you needed someone, and I never lost faith in you. I saw your demons and I promised to help you with them. I was scared for you but never of you. I don’t know if it is motherhood or the realization that I have changed so drastically, for you, that has finally opened my eyes. I don’t like who I am now. I don’t like that I will never get the old me back. I don’t like that no matter how hard I try, I don’t recognize myself. More importantly I don’t like that my daughter is never get to know the me I used to be. I would never give her up. I would never wish she weren’t here. She is by far the greatest thing I have ever done in my life. I do, however, wish I never met you. When I say I don’t love you anymore, that does not mean that I never did.

You will forever hold a very special place in my heart. I may not have been yours, but you are the love of my life. Not spending my life with you will forever be the biggest regret of my life. I cannot make you love me the way I want you to, and I cannot keep changing for you. Being around you is painful enough that I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t want to be with you anymore. I don’t want to wake up in the morning and hear your voice. I don’t want to set the table at night for the three of us. I don’t want to be anywhere near you anymore.

I told you that I would wait forever. God as my witness I never lied. I will never date another living soul. I would rather stop loving all together, than give my love for you to someone else. When I say I don’t love you anymore, it means that I have given up hope. I give up. I give up trying to be happy with you. I give up trying to keep you satisfied. I give up trying to always do the right thing, your way thing. I give up feeling like I will never be good enough. I give up knowing that the love I want so desperately from you, you gave it to someone else. I give up.

I wanted so desperately for you to be my happily ever after. Now I just want you to stop being my nightmare. I want to escape this hell I am living in. I want to forget you. I want to forget this feeling. I want to forget everything.

I need peace and I believe that I deserve that. Don’t you dare tell me that I am “the best thing to happen to you” or that you’re “an asshole and an idiot.” I have listened to these words for five years. Five years. Let that sink in. I spent half a decade trying to prove my endless, no, eternal love for you. Half a fucking decade. I wasted my life, my happiness, my freedom on you. And that is why I don’t love you anymore. I will cry myself to sleep every night thinking of you. I will look at our daughter and see you in her. I will hear a song on the radio and remember the good days. I will look back at memories that break my heart all over again.

I don’t love you anymore, but I will never get over you. I will never move on. I will never forgive myself for loving you as much as I did. I thought I was going to marry you. If not legally, then spiritually. I grieve what could have been. I grieve you… and I always will.