No One Knows

No on knows the real me. Most will say I am a great friend, I show up, I'm there I go beyond at times how greatful the are and appreciative of the things I do. I am one of a kind, I am stronger than I know. See there has been times I try to open up to my friends let them see my raw moments. But some of my friends say others have it worse or it's going to be okay just keep my head up. I feel as if most listen to respond. I don't truly feel heard, if I was then maybe I wouldn't feel so alone. I hide behind a big mask I try so so hard to not let tears or emotions that I keep with in. But honestly I AM NOT OK.. I'm doing what ever it takes to just get me through the night the day the hour the minute the second. I let go of me. I fell so cold empty not fully there my mind just I'm not sure my soul just it's so cold it's so quiet it here, it so empty now my place no longer feels like home. I don't and haven't felt my self for years now I'd write and sometimes speak on how things are getting bad again, but it doesn't seem like my friends are noticing only when I say it and even at times I get dismissed about it or it's someone has it worse or they are struggling themselves. So I don't ask for help I dot open up I keep it in and let it kill me drown me leave me beyond suffocating. Honestly it's a struggle to actually get up but I do and I put a mask on and when it starts to fade away in a day I leave I hide away in my apartment I try to sleep it off and when I do I just dream of ending my life how I'd be found them receiving the letters them reading the folders them reading what's in my note them noticing and finally realizing, but it's to late. Then I awake snap back to the reality of no one really listening. Why does it have to be where no one knows. No one seems to worry like they say. Most say I am the strong one I'm the one that is a rock in the friendships I hold them together. I guess that's why no one really checks on me. Some say no matter what I always find away even in my own hecticness I find away. So why worry right. Cause I'm the guy that's there the guy that shows up that guy that cares the guy that almost always pulls through. If I'm such a good guy why do I feel like hell even has spit me out the deepest depths of the fire and can't even handle me. I allow my self to burn l. But I guess one can say the only way I help my self to the very least of the bare minimum, is by saving some one else because I can't save me help me. So, No alone Knows the actual pain and thoughts I carry. At least when I do lose my battle I know I can leave behind that I faught like hell. No one knows though I don't want to fight any longer.