They charge rent in heaven

I met him at those golden gates and he said ‘Welcome Brother, I am Peter’
‘I’ve got two brothers, you ain’t either of ‘em’ I told him. ‘Where the hell am I?’
I’m walking on clouds and I have some robe thrown over my shoulder.
‘The end my brother. Paradise, Heaven.’
The gates opened and a warm soft light came through ‘Welcome’ a sensation said
Around me and from deep within.
I rub my palms together ‘Well why didn’t you say so’

He took me round the joint
And fuck me.
Would you believe, Heaven charges rent.
Takes a lot of power to keep it warm up here, and to keep those clouds floating Ol’ Peter told me.
And those robes ain’t cheap to make. No sweat shops or cheap child labour up here, no sir.
Oh and you farm your own food.
Milk your own cows
…Rough and smooth I suppose.
‘Some fudging paradise’ I said. ‘Hey what gives, I didn’t say fudging!’
‘There’s no profanity here either brother’.
‘Well alright, I guess I can’t be surprised at that. Tell ya what. I’ll be happy with just a nice thick steak how about that? Huh?’
And peter said ‘Oh no brother. There’s no killing of animals here. We’re all vegan’.
‘Well sugar how about that’ I say and ask ‘There must be some decent tackle up here’.
‘Whatever do you mean brother?’
‘Y’know, tackle… broads, women, poontang’.
‘I’m afraid there’s no pre-marital sex up here brother,
Unless you intend to take a bride in paradise’.
‘Well gosh-darn. Nah, I was never any good with women down below,
Don’t see much reason for it to be any fudging different here.’
And then I ask where I can get some heavenly whiskey.
‘Oh there’s certainly no devils drink here brother’.
‘Peter ol’ buddy?’
‘Yes brother’
‘Fudge this’

I threw off the robe.
Walked out those gates
And jumped head first of the nearest cloud edge I could find.

It’s hot as all hell down here. So all my whiskey is neat. But there’s plenty of meat
And only an occasional demonic ass raping.
But if you can get past that, it ain’t half bad.