Mom..I'm tired..

Moms are supposed to love and care about their child but I don't feel that from you mom. I'm struggling with the thought of slitting my wrists and bleeding out till I'm dead and you do NOT care. Im struggling with an eating disorder, puking out all the food i consumed just to be skinny. You told me “no boy will ever love you if u are a fat slob” so YOU are the reason i'm so weak. YOU are the reason why I don't feel loved. Mom..I'm tired.. I slit my wrists revealing a red waterfall falling down to the palm of my hand and all you tell me is stop being a “psycho” . You tell me that you’ll give me something to cry about when I'm crying because I have nobody. You call my father a deadbeat when the only deadbeat I see is you. Mom.. I'm tired.. I'm tired of trying to talk to you about my mental state and you not caring or even listening. All you ever say is “i don't need this stress on me.” or “i dont care you dont even know what its like to be stressed, depressed, or suicidal.” I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE YET I FEEL IT EVERY TIME I GET OUT OF BED EVERYDAY. The constant wish of no more breathing seems like a relief to me. Mom, I wish you could just listen to me cry out to you. I just want my mom. I want a hug, a kiss, I want you to hold me and tell me I'm okay yet you WON'T. how hard is it to pay attention to your child that could possibly commit suicide in the next hour. HOW HARD IS IT MOM?!  mom..I'm tired.. I think I might end it all. I write you a letter about how i wish i was a better child for you when i was alive and how sorry i am that i couldn't be perfect. I try to Overdose on pills and I pass out. I wake up the next morning with my head spinning and me throwing up on my floor. And did you ask if I was okay? Did you even check on me at 5:00 pm when I attempted? NO. NO you did not. You see the scars on my thighs, on my wrists, and all you have to say is “you need help” no mom..i don't need help.. I just want my mom to care about me. Mom…I'm tired..so so tired of this life. Every time i try to end my life and fail i think “maybe this is god telling me not to go” and i dont try again till it gets bad again. The only thing that has ever been there for me was nicotine, weed, and alcohol. Every hit of that cancer stick makes me feel like my life isn't hell because I have nicotine. Every hit of weed makes me feel like life will end eventually. I just sit there laughing and staring at the ceiling and admiring the crevices on it. Every sip of alcohol makes me feel like less of a piece of crap. You know mom, it's pretty sad that I need DRUGS to cope with my problems. Mom..I'm so tired..