I remember that night

I remember that night even if I don't want to
I remember standing on the windowsill
Wondering if I could jump
To scared to jump to scared to come down
And I thought of my entire life
My brother
The one person in my life keeping me there
And I remember taking a step forwards
I remember the dirt under my feet being swept down
Falling onto the floor and splitting into smaller rocks
I remember that night because as much as I wanted to leave
I couldn't
I wanted to go so much
But I was fucking scared.
Scared that I would fall and I would live

I remember that night
As clear as day
I remember standing on the train tracks
I remember walking across each road
As if cars didn't exist
As if the red light was there
I remember that night
I remember looking out the windows in the lessons
I remember watching the trains hurtle across the tracks.
I remember watching the cars drive across the road. I felt the wind.
And I remember that night
Where I filled up the bathtub
To the brim.

It doesn't stop. It's everywhere.

Its the fear of life in death
That scares me
It's the fear of death in life
That hurts me