I remember that night

I remember that night even if I don't want to
I remember standing on the windowsill
Wondering if I could jump
To scared to jump to scared to come down
And I thought of my entire life
My brother
The one person in my life keeping me there
And I remember taking a step forwards
I remember the dirt under my feet being swept down
Falling onto the floor and splitting into smaller rocks
I remember that night because as much as I wanted to leave
I couldn't
I wanted to go so much
But I was fucking scared.
Scared that I would fall and I would live

I remember that night
As clear as day
I remember standing on the train tracks
I remember walking across each road
As if cars didn't exist
As if the red light was there
I remember that night
I remember looking out the windows in the lessons
I remember watching the trains hurtle across the tracks.
I remember watching the cars drive across the road. I felt the wind.
And I remember that night
Where I filled up the bathtub
To the brim.

The windowsill. The bathtub. The roads. I can't stop. It's everywhere.

Its the fear of life in death
That scares me
It's the fear of death in life
That hurts me