Pain

Tired of being in pain.

So I hurt myself.

It's not the pain you think.

So I cause myself physical pain.

Pain. Pain. Pain.

The only thing I can ever feel.

The thing I can only think about.

Emotional pain is too much.

I need something other than this.

I become a strange child.

Taking risks that I never took before.

Saying that I want to die.

Do I really want to die?

No, I don't. 

I am just tired of pain.

I cry out steadily asking for help.

But It seems like nobody is picking up the vibes.

If I had love would it still be Lonely.

I was alone and nobody had to show me.

I keep my feelings in from people.

Don't tell them in person.

Only online or in paper.

I wonder if I hit escape would I go to hell.

Moses would say who is going to see and go tell.

I don't want to die.

I just want to feel okay.

I don't want to feel like I am a shitty person.

I don't want to be fucked up.

I don't want to fucking be alone.

I just want to be loved.

Every night when I go to bed, I dream of a family.

I long for a family that I never had.

Longing to be loved that I could never be.

Escaping fucking foster care from 7 years.

Just go to a family.

Never be given up on again.

I promise if I have a family

I wouldn't be a disappointment.

I just want to be loved.

Have a family that I could call my own.

Have a family I could love that I never had.

But, Now i only feel pain.

I feel pain when I think of family.

I feel pain when I think about my dead cousin.

I feel pain when I think of my dad who abandoned me.

I feel pain when I think of my mom who rejected me.

I feel pain when I see everybody living a happy life.

Nobody will ever feel the way I feel.

Nobody will ever feel the pain I feel.

Nobody will ever feel abandoned like I feel.

Nobody will ever have to feel the sorrow I feel.

Nobody will ever have to live the way I do.

Everybody has perfect lives.

They can always be happy.

They will never feel pain.

So, pain is the only way out of this.

So, locking my knee in place when I jump of a tire.

Landing hard on it.

Now, if I put pressure on it.

I feel unbearable pain.

Feels good but not at the same time.