A positive note

Dear future me,

The world feels colder with each passing day. As winter settles in, the streets are filled with thick coats, but I feel a chill that no jacket can warm. Life has been a whirlwind—heavy, fleeting, and beautiful all at once—and each moment reminds me just how fragile we are. There are times when I feel disconnected, lost in a sea of faces that all seem to be moving forward, while I stand still, caught in my own thoughts.

And yet, in this chaos, I find myself reflecting on the few bright spots, the fragments of light that have pierced through the darkness. One of those lights has been you. The kindness and warmth you've shown me, even in the smallest ways, have anchored me when everything else felt like it was spinning out of control. Those moments with you—no matter how brief—have been a reminder that I am not completely alone in this. They have been the rare moments I could hold onto when my mind was crumbling.

It’s hard to explain the storm in my head. It’s as if something inside me broke long ago, twisted in a way that can never be repaired. My mind doesn’t work the way it should, and I can’t always understand it. The weight of it sometimes makes me wonder how much longer I can carry it. The thoughts of escape are always there, always whispering—easy, final, simple. But even in the darkest moments, there’s a quiet voice that tells me that giving up isn’t the answer. It reminds me that life, no matter how unbearable it seems, is still worth fighting for.

The thing is, I don’t always know what makes me feel alive anymore. Joy feels distant. But when I think of you, when I hear your voice or see your smile, there’s a part of me that believes in the beauty of humanity. It's strange, isn't it? How a single smile, a few words of kindness, can make everything feel like just my mind making things up. It forces the voices in my mind to shut up for a moment.

I walk through the streets and see the Christmas lights, the people bundled up, couples, coworkers, friends, and families out enjoying the simple beauty of the season. To some, it’s just another night, another tradition. But to me, those moments are a reminder that I’m part of something greater. I am part of this chaotic, beautiful, messy world. And in that, I find a tiny sliver of hope.

I’ve stopped drinking. I’ve stopped letting the numbness take over. It’s been hard—like battling an invisible force that never gives up—but I’m trying. I’m trying so hard to stop hurting myself, to push back against the automatic thoughts that come too easily. But it’s not easy, Nyx. Some days, it feels like I can’t breathe beneath the weight of everything. The loneliness is overwhelming, and people—though they offer connection—also bring fear. The fear of judgment, of being seen for who I am and finding that I’m not enough. I want to shut the world out, to disappear from it entirely. But I know that’s not the way.

I know you see the struggle in me. I know you sense how tangled my mind is. But don’t worry, Nyx. I’m still here. I’m still trying, even when it feels like everything inside me is broken. I may not understand the point of it all, and some days, I wonder if there is a point at all. But I do know one thing: as long as I’m breathing, there’s still hope. And I will keep fighting, even if that means fighting through the days when I can’t see anything good on the horizon. Even if that means holding onto hope by a thread.

I’ve been trying to figure out what I want from life, but I don’t compare myself to others anymore. Life is harsh, Nyx. It has broken me in ways I can’t even explain. But I refuse to let that be my end. I refuse to give in to the darkness. Because even in this storm, I know that if I keep reaching for the light, I will find it again. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday.

And so, I hold onto the hope that there is something more. Something that’s worth fighting for, even when I can’t see it. And in the silence of my heart, I am still trying to seize hold of it. To seize hold of my heart, even when it feels like it’s slipping away.

Please know, Nyx, that despite everything, I am still your friend. I am still here. I’m trying. I may not always have the answers, but I’m still searching for them. And I will keep searching, no matter how difficult the journey becomes.

You are a part of that hope for me. I carry you with me, even in my darkest moments.

Wishing you peace,

Nyx Blair