Failed Compromise

It started as lust and grew slowly into love

Even though we married so young at 19

We laughed and played

We made love and fucked and argued

We traveled and grew together

We moved to Germany and made great friends and BBQ’d, loved, argued, experienced jealousy and pain

We left the Army and experienced hardship but we got through it together

We moved to Oregon in the rain and cold

And I worked and worked.  I got CCIE and grew in work and skill

We had kids and dogs and cats

We coached, and cried and pulled our hair out raising rug rats

I worked and worked and worked. 

You supported me and gave me the confidence to grow

We experienced death and sadness and happiness and joy

We watched our kids grow and love and hate and experience the good and bad in life

We got the kids through school and college (one of em)

You went to work because you didn’t want to be the house wife I wanted

I told myself that was the beginning of the end

But I realized you needed out and were stuck in a rut: so I compromised

I grew frustrated with work and life and was the cancer at my work

I don’t like to be the cancer

And so

You enabled me and supported me leaving corporate America

But I continued to grow frustrated and unhappy with us, work, life, kids

And instead of face the reasons why

I buried myself in work and work and work

We compromised and compromised..and then compromised for each other

My Parents Died and a void opened that is still there

You gained confidence and skill and were happy at work and your job

We became comfortable but still compromised and compromised. 

I worked and worked until I hit a wall and stopped working for a month

You supported me through that

My soul was calling for me

There is more to life than work and avoiding reality

I joined the MC and learned more of who I am and became more of me vs

who I thought you wanted me to be

I met great friends and brothers.

I rode and rode but I couldn’t get away

From reality and feelings and differences

You were so patient and loving and caring while I went on my own journey

But I grew apart

The leash you gave me was too long

Or not long enough?

I wanted you with me but you didn’t like it. 

You wanted me with you but I didn’t like it

You became the President of the Danish Sisterhood. 

I joined you and tried to love it like you do. 

But compromise started to fail more and more

I had the MC until I departed from the drama of it all

But then I had a void almost as big as when Mon and Dad left

It was so hard - I lost brothers who I loved and thought loved me and fun and riding

I got depressed and lonely and bored and so I worked and I worked

And hid my face from reality again and again

And so did you

You supported me through it all

You were so loving and caring and patient

But I always wondered if me being gone was good for you too

We decided to move to Arizona. 

I felt a spark of life and yearning and excitement and change!

But you changed your mind.

You didn’t really want it 

I wanted it so bad

I *needed* it so bad then but

I compromised so you could have your work you loved

And we stopped looking for the forever home

I realized I was running from our / my problems

We bought our vacation home as a compromise

And we furnished it with silent compromise

But compromise was still failing and I grew sad and depressed. 

I cried for hours somedays

You never knew or saw that

No one saw it

Men don’t do that

Providers don’t do that

I hid it as much as I could in work and work and play

You helped me because you saw it, with compromise - looking for vacation spots and watching me ride away with friends

I love you for that

I went to Burning Man. 

That must have been a mind fuck for you. 

But you were patient and loving and caring and endured it.

I was selfish because compromise was almost gone

I wanted that more than I cared what you thought or felt

I was selfish

Enduring was compromise on your side

Now, we have a summer of activities apart (this was writen ~2022 originally) 

You are doing your thing, I am doing mine. 

Apart but together

Roommates with benefits and shared bank accounts

Compromise has failed

I love you but I can’t keep compromising. 

You should not have to either

We joke about my grandpa saying, “Goddammit Woman”

To his wife of 40 something then wrinkled years

When she irritated him and thought it was funny

As if it were a badge and how things should be

But they had it wrong. 

They were unhappy together

They were stuck together, or so they thought

Life takes compromise, I realize that. 

But I don’t want to compromise with everything, anymore

I want you to want to be with me AND enjoy the journey with me. 

Not compromise through it.   

I need to take the path less traveled at the fork in the road and see what’s waiting

The unknown Path: I thrive on that

Your path is taking that which is more traveled, predictable and expected and controllable

You thrive on that

I know you love me

And I love you but…

I don’t think love is enough, anymore

:(