Forlorn, sunken in demeaner,
So long the old man stands
The war, which on his watch occurred,
Has torn too many men
Seen on patrol nigh every day
But no ground does he gain
He hopes, praying problems away
Yet still some more lay slain
With every Ave with each breath
He knows a soul he'll save
Longing for mercy, dreading death
He sighs into a daze
So honorable, years on end
He's sought to fix his wrong
Can one man still really defend?
How does he stand so long?
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Author:
Spencer Wilhelm (
Offline) - Published: January 24th, 2025 16:02
- Comment from author about the poem: I would love to hear constructive criticism on what you thought about it. I don't know a lot about how to write, so your thoughts are greatly appreciated!
- Category: Unclassified
- Views: 24
Offline)
Comments2
I am no expert at all, but i like this piece of poetry, you feel the desperation and the fear of the man as you read through the poem, i enjoyed the read
I like it as it is. But should you seek further consideration, here are a few observations: Clarify Imagery: Some lines could benefit from more clarity. For instance, "Seen on patrol nigh every day" might be rephrased to better convey the man's daily routine and its impact on him.
Consistency in Tense: Ensure that the tense is consistent throughout the poem. For example, "He's sought to fix his wrong" and "How does he stand so long?" could be adjusted for tense consistency.
Expanding Themes: You could delve deeper into the themes of honour and redemption. Adding a few more lines or stanzas to explore the man's internal conflict and his motivations could enhance the emotional depth of the poem. Just a few thoughts.
Thanks so much! This helps a ton. To be honest I didn't think of any of those things you mentioned, that would help a ton.
Hope it helps, but in the end they are just observations and suggestions. You can best tell if you’re truly happy with your craft; and after all beauty as it is said is in the eye of 5he one beholding 😊🙏🏻👍🏻🕊
It does help. I haven't been pleased with almost any of my poems so it's good to get some suggestions on improving them. I wish to make something not beautiful just for me, but something supremely beautiful purely for God, but I can't do that if I don't spit something out and try to form it, fail, form it again, fail, and form it again. God will look and be pleased that I'm attempting to praise him through beauty, even if it isn't very beautiful right now
Well He does empower the craftsman like Bezalel who crafted the ark of the covenant. On top of that I’m pretty sure he apprenticed and worked on his craft 👍🏻🙏🏻🕊️
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