A Letter of Love

I admire anyone who is open to feel, and who makes others feel comfortable to do so too. I took part in a mental health charity event last year, and it’s not something I usually talk about, not in a serious way, anyway, I’m much more inclined to joke about it, than actually discuss it intellectually. Not necessarily because I’m deprived of the intellect to have these discussions, but because I’m not comfortable. But I think Michelle Collins has made me a lot more comfortable to openly discuss these things, than I normally would. Seeing her be openly emotional has made me realise that it’s okay. Feeling anything is not something we should have to hide.

When discussing mental health with anybody, my first instinct is to either not listen - or rather pretend to not listen to frustrate them, so they would stop talking - or I make up lighthearted jokes. The only serious conversation I am capable of having is one discussing bullying, but even that often ends with laughter. A few years ago I struggled with my mental health, and I did most of it in silence, until I finally broke down. I’m doing better now. A bit later, I read Michelle Collins’ book for the first time, and felt a connection to it, not just because we’re both “idiots” that always make a fool of ourselves in ridiculous ways, and get laughed at, but because of the struggle.

Michelle Collins is one of those who will struggle until she breaks, which is what she did, I very much did the same thing, and broke in the same way. We’ve both lost people we care about at an early age, that have had life changing impacts on us - and with our futures - we both struggle with self doubt, we were both shy and have struggled in the past with where we belong, we both move around a lot in terms of our interests and hobbies - struggle to settle, and we both make continuous mistakes - despite being told constantly what we have done wrong - we end up doing the same thing over and over again wrong.

Seeing myself mirrored in someone else, it genuinely felt like a sign to keep going. I wrote poetry around Michelle Collins because it is genuinely so cathartic. She helped me to recognise myself, and I ended up realising what I wish to do in my life. Almost like the spirit of my lost loved one embodied how I see Michelle Collins, and is using this depiction to guide me. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s how I feel. Like as long as Michelle Collins is out there somewhere, so is my lost loved one, and it gives me the strength to continue.

Michelle Collins - if you were to ever read this, thank you. Truly, thank you. I know I write about you a lot, if you saw, you’d probably be sick of the sight, but there has never been anyone have this much of an impact on me in such a long time. And writing is cathartic, I hope you understand. Thank you.