Holding on to Dust

I sit here, wrapped in a cozy blanky

Coffee steaming and smelling of cinnamon and creamer

I hear birdies chirping away through the walls

The walls that hold my brain in a mental prison

A quagmire I hold myself in

The window, it’s looking at me

Begging me to see the beauty beyond itself where

The sun is dusty through the high clouds

The cool desert air of 45 is radiating inward

An old, aluminum, single pane glass gateway

That holds neither reflections or heat in

I see out nonetheless

To the beyond

Where the Saquaro and citrus trees reach hard

Up to the sky

Down to the ground

Nourishing the air, earth, and such

I ponder and wonder and reflect why…

I am not planted like they are after so long?

I was told by a friend yesterday that

I’m not reaching my true potential by holding on

By trying to plant my feet and grow my roots

The roots, those that have never taken

Determined to find purchase

Allusive is the purchase that laughs at me

Tears, they weep and roll gently, slowly and with salted purpose

Down my left cheek because,

I know in my head

What needs to be done

But the distance from my brain to my heart

The heart that rules me, despite what society says

Or expects of the male gender

The distance, it Is the grand canyon

And the canyon

So far apart the air has a hard time saying Hi

There’s a thin wire for me to walk on though

Will it hold me as my feet wrap around it?

What if I fall?  What if I make it?  What if I turn away scared?

Despite the fear, my courage gently pushes my back

It puts its arms around me, holds tight

Turns me to face the canyon and the wire

I take my shoes and my clothes off

I need to bare myself now

The crowd, they have popcorn and watch from afar as

My manhood, it sways gently back and forth

A sensation I am not used to

It’s curious and daunting at the same time

My bare feet, they both engulf the wire

One canted left, the other right

Toes spread and pointing away from the other foot

The wire, it feels cozy and warms up to my arches

They are searching for grip and balance

The wind gusts behind me

Urging me forward

I’m half way across now

And the weather has a sinister plan

it pushes the air at me sideways with intent

The wire cutting it, screeching a high pitched symphony

Rushing to nowhere

Hot in the desert, smell of water and dust and cactus and life

Shaking me and the wire

My arms outstretched like I’m flying

As if I had wings that would soar if I asked

My legs wobble wobble and my feet, they hurt

Blood dripping down, pulled by gravity

The wire cutting me with a smile

And leaving red breadcrumbs to follow

Tracing the way back to familiarity

I hold fast despite it all

Until my balance forgets the pushy air

  and the pain

  and the blood drip dripping away

  and the wobbly wobble

Closing my eyes and finding mental clarity

For my life’s sake

My breathing steadies

I look forward, my blue eyes piercing the distance

Eyebrows both leaning to my nose in concentration

And determination

Sweat beads on my forehead and stings my eyes

The wobble stops but the wind and weather, they keep trying

To dismount me and laugh as I scream to the bottom

It is so dusty and blurry, I cannot see the other side

Despite my power gaze

But, I focus on the bouncing end goal and keep marching forward

Not knowing what awaits

I hold on to hope, in defiance of the end, griping my thoughts

Distracting and obtrusive as they are

I squint my eyes and put the other foot in front of the other foot

Yearning for the other page through the dusty sun