Premonition

Last days I feel something will happen.

But I don’t know what exactly.

I’m just waiting for some signs of madness.

How can I do all my steps correctly?

Maybe I’m paranoid again; who knows?

Maybe my phase is ending.

Cold wind outside the window blows,

And my fear is quietly stepping.

I can’t avoid these feelings anymore.

I’m just waiting, hiding in my love.

My good thoughts can’t be forgotten;

Please save them. You’re my last resort.

This active phase is long, and I don’t know what will be next.

My disorder plays with me; it’s unpredictable and cruel.

Sometimes it can help a walking, sometimes only sex.

How can I believe I won’t hurt you? How can I be sure?

That time when I wanted to make damage was gone.

Now my heart is afraid of violence; it’s tired.

My heart wants to find a right way, to find a home.

Thoughts about death are no longer inspired.

I can’t blame you for your existence forcing me to live.

I could blame before, but not now.

My mind has changed. Because I thought real love was a myth.

But I found you, and it became my thorns crown.

Can I pass through this labyrinth of emotions and frustration?

Do I have the power to overcome the consequences of my bad decisions?

Staying brave and being insatiable for the new good sensations will be my impersonation.

Being craven and afraid every move will be invidious.

There was a time I tried to escape my mental problems with alcohol.

There was a time I thought death was the only exit.

All my world was imprisoned in black fog and surrounded by a round wall.

Can anybody imagine how hard it is to break it?

I’m breaking the wall. I’m lighting up a path to a better future.

But the voices in my head still whisper I don’t deserve it.

And I’m fighting with them. I’m becoming a stronger creature,

Fearing to become the worst version of me and being indifferent to it.

I don’t know how much longer I will have enough.

Every day there is a field of battle in my mind.

Your existence helps me not to be so rough

And to resist all my demons, which submit to my inner Hyde.

My dark side is a part of me, and I can’t avoid it; it’s my curse.

What should I do to stay alive and be happy without doubt?

I try to find any answer in every one of my naive verses.

Can I win in this deadliest and most exhausting hunt?

Therapy can’t make an explanation or something good.

Pills are not the best choice when you need a power;

It’s just a lost game to fix your stability and mood.

But every time I feel the darkness of existence covers me.