Had I known you better

had I known you better 

I would have stayed far the hell away from you. 

Its like you punished me

for loving you.

And I gladly took the punishment despite being reserved by society. 

I could have crossed oceans for you in the hopes that you even stepped a foot…

on a bridge in the thought of getting to me…

I know,

“I understand you” when you probably— never understood a damn ounce of me…

&

“I’m sorry that was never my intention” but did you think of that when your fingers found places in every crevice of my mind and between my legs? 

emotional and physical connection on such severe levels 

You hurt me but your friends act like I hurt you. 

…

so much so, that one even said “you’re moving on right? Because that’s the only smart thing to do”

everyone says you’re fine but why do I even have an inkling that you are not to? 

part of me holds out hope that you are hurting just as badly as I am.

now,

“So much time has passed you should be over it by now” 

It’s sick…

shameful of me to take this kind of love and hurt and hope that when you shut your eyes… that you are tormented by the same thoughts of me the way I have been plagued when it comes to you?.

”you really thought he would choose you over her?” So his friends say

And when I needed a hug I didn’t want it from anyone, I keep searching for you in every touch hoping that when I pull away it’s you that’s looking back at me.

as if my brain is having a hard time coping that I’m trying to convince myself you’ve died. 

…

Had I known you better… I would have dressed myself in blessings to have avoided being haunted by the memory…

you would consume me with.  

punishing me for having loved you.