Spit pages

You know people Mourn their youth, I see it in older folks a lot and truth be told I’ve never truly understood it until now, I graduate high school soon and with that comes the changes in life I had yet to experience, I write this as I sit here in my morning class, I’m not trying to cry but I look back and that stability that was once provided by my friends and teachers is now being stripped away.

I feel more alone than ever. I am trying to look forward in time to see how I’ll be reminiscing over my high school classes. I’ve always been the type to look back on things, to call small minuscule details and moments of people who have been around me and their own experiences.

This is for no reason other than to see how much things change.

I should bring a camera, for old times sake, not that I see myself having children much less a partner but maybe for the old retirement home stories I could tell to volunteers? Honestly trying to see into future stuff like that makes my head spin, I told myself that self-love and all that other B.S needs to come first, funny since I’ve yet had the energy much less drive for anything like self-affirmation. Different story for a different day.

I can just blame this all on teenage edgy behavior, at least until my 19th birthday.

Maybe I’ll look back thinking how silly this all was and I can burn everything down to hide the embarrassment.

Sometimes I feel like a ghost, or an outsider like my body and my soul are different, my mouth says one thing yet in actuality I want to do the exact opposite of what I’m physically saying- I feel like I bring down moods but no one tells me, like they don’t want me to know.

It’s raining a lot today, sad because I have a wedding to attend to, I’m only slightly weirded out by the implications that a girl my age can get married.

I’ve thought about the vague notion of being married myself but to see someone who you know that’s carrying out such a plan at a young age is an interesting predicament for sure but nonetheless I’ll be supportive for her and her husband to be, I just hope it’s the right decision.

Even though I wrote that everything feels over,  in a sense it’s still not, I just have a hard time seeing that for myself, where as for her, I can see so much potential for her to live her life, I guess this is her way of doing that.

When my family fights I get annoyed, when their voices get a certain way I start crying, then I hate myself for crying,  I was noted to have a “victim mentality” by my driving instructor. I think about that a lot and think about how much that effects me and how opposite it seems, I take the blame for anything I can, because I hate when people are mad or if I made them mad, then I go back to hating myself for crying, it’s all stupid really. 

I have such a vivid memory of crying to my mom and repeating how much I’ve angered her “but you’re mad at me” over and over again until I’ve made myself physically sick by how much crying I did. Why does that memory stick out so much to me?