Maybe, Just Maybe...

Maybe… just maybe—
If I wasn’t so scared of beginning,
I’d already be somewhere.
Somewhere louder,
Somewhere kinder,
Somewhere I don’t need to shrink to fit.

Maybe if I didn’t spend so long
Pretending the silence was safety,
I’d know what it means
To be heard.
To be understood without explaining
Every broken piece of me like a crime scene.

Maybe I’d stand in the sun
Without feeling like a lie.
Maybe I’d take up space
And not apologize for it.
Not whisper my name
Like it’s a warning.

Maybe if my ribs didn’t wrap
So tightly around my fear,
My breath wouldn’t come out
As a question.
Wouldn’t feel borrowed.
Wouldn’t feel like I have to earn
Every second of stillness.

Because I keep thinking—
If I had been born brave,
Wouldn’t I be shining by now?

Wouldn’t I be laughing in rooms
Instead of memorizing exits?
Wouldn’t I be loved,
Or at least let in?

But here I am—
Making a home out of avoidance,
Furnishing my mind
With excuses and empty rooms.

I tell myself
I like being alone.
That solitude is sacred.
But God—
Is it sacred,
Or just the only place
I’ve never had to be rejected?

Maybe if I wasn’t afraid to be seen—
Really seen—
I’d stop disappearing in crowds.
Stop holding conversations
Like I’m waiting to mess them up.
Stop apologizing
For existing in other people’s air.

Maybe I’d have real friends,
Not just “maybes” and “almosts.”
Not just people I watch
Live the lives I dream of
While I pretend I’m above needing it.

Maybe if I didn’t hate myself
Just a little,
Every day—
I wouldn’t flinch when someone compliments me.
Wouldn’t sabotage the good
Before it gets the chance to leave.
Wouldn’t call loneliness “freedom”
Because I don’t know what love feels like.

Maybe…
If I weren’t depressed,
Anxious,
Insecure,
So tired of fighting ghosts
No one else can see—
I’d be something better.
Something brighter.
Something that makes people say,
“God, look at her glow.”

But instead…
I stay home.
I scroll.
I sleep too much and eat too little.
I romanticize healing
But run from the work it takes.

I wear dark clothes and heavy thoughts.
I cry at songs
That sound like they remember me.
I miss people I never met,
Places I’ve never been.
I dream of versions of me
That didn’t break so easily.

Maybe… just maybe…
If I could take one step forward—
Without fear snapping at my ankles,
Without shame pulling me back—
I’d find a life that feels like mine.

Maybe if I didn’t freeze every time
Someone asks, “Are you okay?”
I’d actually say what I mean.
Not “I’m fine.”
Not “I’m just tired.”
But “No. I’m lost. I’m drowning. Please help.”

But I don’t.
I never do.
Because being vulnerable
Feels like bleeding in public—
And I’m not sure anyone would notice.

Maybe if I hadn’t learned so young
That the world doesn’t wait for the soft,
I wouldn’t have turned my softness
Into silence.

But I still hope.
God, I still hope.
Hope that there’s a door
Somewhere out there
That doesn’t lock behind me.
Hope that there’s a version of me
That laughs without flinching,
That speaks without trembling,
That shines without shame.

Maybe… just maybe…
I’m not hopeless—
Just held back.
Not broken—
Just buried.
Not meant to fade—
Just waiting for the courage
To become.