safe like heaven

Some days,

I just want to see you.

not in dreams or hymns,

or verses I underline.

I mean really see you.

sit besides you, see you.

feel the weight lift and know that I’m safe, 

see you.

I think I’d just fall apart.

no words.

just tears.

and I’d bury my face in your robe

and cry like the daughter I am.

not strong, not brave,

just broken and yours.

and you’d understand.

you’d hold me like you’ve been waiting

for me to finally admit

how hard it’s been.

because it is hard.

this world is so loud.

people expect so much.

and I try, I really do.

I smile, I get things done,

but inside I’m drowning.

I feel like I’m always one step away

from falling apart.

the anxiety comes out of nowhere sometimes.

like, I’m sitting still,

but my heart’s racing.

my hands shake.

my chest gets tight.

and I start overthinking everything

I’ve ever said, done, or felt.

it’s exhausting.

and the worst part is,

no one really sees it.

they see me smiling, showing up,

being the “strong one.”

but you see past all that.

you always have.

you’re there in the silence,

in the messy, ugly, anxious moments,

breathing calm into my chaos.

telling me I don’t have to fix it all.

I just have to just  breathe.

be still.

you remind me I don’t have to hold it together

to be held by you.

and then,

you sent me someone.

someone who doesn’t need me to be perfect.

who gets me, somehow

who doesn’t run from the messy parts.

he sees the storm

and chooses to stay anyway.

he makes me feel safe

just by being close.

he protects me,

loves me in quiet, simple ways

that remind me of you.

thank you for him.

for the way he loves me

without needing a reason.

for being proof

that your love shows up

in human skin sometimes.

Because some days,

I still fall apart.

But now,

I fall into love,

That looks a little like heaven.

A little like still waters. 

- Angelica Dsouza.