Cry for help

Is it just me or do y'all also feel to ignore gathering since we're not perfect the way we want 

I am fat oh gosh nobody will talk to me, they will bully me let us just stay at home.

I am effeminate, people would ridicule me, let me just slip into oblivion where there is only me and no one else

What is this thing? 

It's bizzare

It's cruel

I want to socialize, I want to meet intellectuals 

I want to jam with others on my favourite songs yet the web knitted by my mind is too complicated to let me achieve these.

I am not perfect so I see everyone around me perfect. Just because someone is slim, I feel he must have many friends to talk to.

Just because he has a jawline, he is too approachable. 

If I see someone whose condition is worse than me, I feel proud. I feel atleast I am better than him. I take joy in myself but the moment I feel someone more than me, I feel hollow like my life has no worth.

At one moment, I feel there is no need of fashionable clothes, friends, I will be just fine with books,and my silence . I feel peace but the very next moment, I am filled with melancholy. I feel ashamed of myself. Full 17 years and still not someone to be proud of yourself. Not able to see my own videos, not able to hear my own voice because even I, myself hate them. But I fail to do something about it. 

I feel this is my life forever. I am good at academics but not the best. I am good at singing but not the best. I am good at speaking but not the best. There is nothing at which I am the best, I am just average. When I compare myself with people my age which is my most obsessive habit, I feel small, I feel it is okay to be ridiculed by them since I am weak, since they are good looking. I speak and cover things so spiritual but I analyse people superficially as if I am the most hypocrite person to ever exist on earth. At one moment, I feel divine like everything is sorted and clear. I feel clarity. But the next moment, I feel self doubt, I feel I am too dumb for this. I don't actually give it a chance. I am never myself around people, even those whom I consider close. What is this dilemma?

Is there any end to it? Will I ever overcome this fear of an imaginary audience? The fear that has spellbound my personality, my confidence, made me feel it is okay to be disrespected, it is okay for someone superior to you humiliate you. I explain their wrongdoings to tell myself it's your fault.

I am in a deep mess. I know it but don't know how to overcome it. I have tried everything possible within my reach but still I haven't healed. Help me. This is my cry for help.

This is the piece of my soul I am writing to you my god. I know you are reading this. HELP ME!!!! I feel like I am sinking.