FIGHTING MY MIND

FIGHTING MY MIND

This is a fight of a lifetime. It is a fight for survival and for identity. With my story, I hope to inspire. Those locked in their subconscious and conscious battling with their self, walk with me:

The beauty of life is in understanding who you are and why you exist. I have sought to understand who I am for a long time. But the more I look, the harder it gets. I find that I'm lost in a maze.

The situation has sown  frustration's seed in me. With its growth, I grow tired of life. 

I stand in front of the mirror of my life with confusion. Many see an outer perfect person but the inner personality sings differently. Its tune is titled imperfection.

Ever since I could reason for myself, life drew my battle lines and created several complexities. I escape and find myself in another. 

Today I grapple with two personalities. The different me, the one I'm trying to be and the one I am but do not understand. The mind picks a side and deploys thoughts; it sends in troops to contradict what I want. This sends me into an abyss.

My solution; I  tried to be either of the two but I failed. Thinking what do I do, I found a path. On a rough path through my mind I journeyed, I found something. At the time the only solution was to live the perfect life according to society's standards.

Now as at this  time I have become the perfect person people perceive me to be. Remember I had two personalities but perfect was not one of them.

But now I chose  perfect  and I'm living as such. Society chose a home, and I made it mine. 

After taking a new form, I'm still confused. Because looking at my life, I  know I'm meant for more. But who will help me get more? A very hard question. 

Times have passed and the perfection has become a burden. In the physical plane, the gates of freedom and tranquility have been locked and the security around the locks has never been tighter.

This signals a no end to my woes as my normal  perfect persona haunts me every day. 

For as long as I can remember, I have been this way. If I am not trying to be different then I am trying to be the same. Some may call it confusion, but I call it dilemma.

For me subconsciously I'm not comfortable with either my status quo or being different. 

Then there are those days. The really bad days. In those days I try to come out of the hard shell I'm imprisoned in.

But then society disowns me. They question me, they ask; You look different, is something wrong? Nothing is wrong, I say. At the end of the day, I start to question myself and get angry. I scream I told you. You should have been who you were. 

Why the anger? I thought if I'm perfect I would be understood, so a change wouldn't matter to them. But it did, they noticed and made me an outcast.

And so the confusion grew. I'm not fit to be the perfect person they created and I'm not fit to be different. A flood of questions break the brain's door. The confusion at this point lights a flame. Putting the flame out left a mark. I was scarred.

In my life, these are episodes. These episodes rain in questions, lots of them. Some question my existence, others ask if I'm a curse. Am I? I don't know, I say. But I do know I'm human, does it matter, I ask. At this point, the insanity steps in. 

But I remember the words, "You're Special."

When my episodes come, they are not confusion. They are signs of insanity. But I'm not there yet, because I always remember those words, "You're Special."

The ones who begot me told me so. They said everyone is special- and so am I. They said, God thinks you're special too and so you should not feel inferior.

With those words I managed to escape another episode. I'm still sane, my mind's catalogue though messy.

The list of items there is as follows: denial, delusion, confusion, ignorance, dilemma and the rest. But I'm happy, very happy. I know I'm special. For someone said so. 

The words you're special though golden, do not fix the problem. I need help. 

I'm searching, I hope I  find one. For now my therapy is you're special, with it I'm navigating through difficulties whilst trying to maintain a straightforward mind. 

I am not a curse. This I know. The next path is finding who I am.

My mind is calm. Now we both agree, I'm Special.