but how could i?

some days,
i try to speak.
try to say how my thoughts
pull me under,
how my chest feels hollow
and everything hurts
in a way no one can see.

but no one listens.
not really.
not when you're that girl.
the one always joking,
laughing too loud,
smiling too wide
while her whole world
quietly crumbles.

yesterday,
i woke up
and didn’t want to anymore.
the weight of it all
pressed against me
until the only escape
felt like an ending.

i told you everything.
and you listened,
god, you listened.
you didn’t dismiss it.
you just said,
“promise me you won’t do anything stupid.”

but my love,
how could i say
that the second we ended the call,
that promise cracked in my hands?

the next day came,
like they always do.
same pain,
same numbness.
but something shifted.

you.

how could i do it
when i know your laugh by heart?
when we have plans,
dumb little ones
and forever ones too?

how could i leave
the only person
who’s ever looked at me
and really seen me?

i got up.
stumbled past the pieces of myself
on the floor.
looked in the mirror,
same old clothes from four days ago.
except they don’t hug me anymore
like they used to.
they hang loose now,
like everything else.

but i’m still here.
because of you.
because somewhere,
between all this pain,
there’s still a future
with your name in it.

and maybe that’s enough
for today.

i’m numb now.
maybe i’ll stay numb
for a while,
i don’t know.
but i’m still trying.
for you.

-Angelica Dsouza

© 2025 Angelica Dsouza. All rights reserved.