I Came So Hard

Spit of pessimism
Like an oily ship
There on the carpet
Like a strange serpent
On an attic plate
I almost laugh 
I've been holding it together
But inside
I'm falling apart

Everyday I return here
Like chiffon in a snare
With my Ode to Fervent Sodomy 
With memories of blue mountains
With my yes-sir deportment 
I'm tempered by lies 
Clad in half-lit, acid orange
Dreaming of your love poems
Your hedonism, your doldrums 
In a fashionable world 

I wander and ruminate
I get horny and procrastinate 
When I'm selfish, I say sorry
When the cold comes in 
I hate you like punctuation 
How I take the blame
Watching the twilight silhouette
Of the Parisian roofline
Waiting idly like a nervous sea
I pick the worms off the loveletters
Sullied by a mawkish December
When I close my eyes, I'm yours
When the sun rises, I return here 

To the creek 
To the heather 
To evergreen rhododendrons
To miry dancers 
To the places we grew up
To the music we loved
Ringing like bluebells 
A room full of Douglas fir 
Or a fist inside me.