Birdsong

Small

secret,

and 

many more times, It will happen, 

I can hear you and smell you as I usually can, 

but this time you are not here 

and you will never come

 

I can sit hoping on a plane 

or a car 

or alone or with another, 

 

but it will not bring you back to me, 

like a carrot on a string, 

like a creature exiting its cave, 

like someone i know.

 

I cannot listen to that music anymore without thinking of you,

birdsong is forever tainted with your touch, 

the trees and the sky scream your name softly. 

 

and when I sit on a tall table with a tall chair, looking out the front of a dimly lit cafe, 

I see you in the corner of my eye. 

 

You are a ghost now, 

I see things I think you may like, 

memes, 

games, 

drawings, 

new and complex fetishes, 

and I want to share them with you, of course I cannot. 

 

If I was more insane I may imagine these conveersations to myself, 

admittedly, 

I imagine a gist of what you are saying,

but I always stop myself. 

 

I forget that it hurts until I see and hear you, 

I am sorry. 

 

I remember my brother and you, 

it must have been awkward already

with someone you have not met, 

But I remember you said you liked something, 

maybe one of those new and complex fetishes 

I was just talking about, 

    and my brother laughed, 

        so I laughed too. 

You were obviously hurt. 

 

The same way with him, when he critiqued that boy from school, and the same way I doubled up on him. 

The same way that boy was upset. 

 

We were joking, 

and

We were giving good advice, 

doesn't matter when it means a lot to them, 

when it is precious. 

 

You felt embarrassed, 

and I apologised, 

But I still felt bad about it years later, 

I never said anything. 

 

How many times does this happen to my mother? 

Does she think about the hitting and the yelling, ever?

I'm trying to seperate myself from her, 

That is why I mentioned her. 

    It's unrelated.

 

Last night I was thinking about how private you are, 

I like private people, I admire being that kind of person. 

I thought about how you shared,

I thought about how you hid, 

 

I thought about “Can I invite my other friend too?”

I thought about “I didn’t know they were coming.”

I thought about “Okay, Of course, they can come.”

 

I imagined that you must have confided in them, 

They are a good friend, 

But sometimes you would spend time together, 

and I think maybe I was the afterthought, 

I don’t remember anything, But I remember sometimes it was like 

I was intruding. 

 

It is awful to think that times we spent together were ruined by me, 

Ruined without me realising it, 

and I look back and I cannot help but analyse your voice, 

your eyes, 

It must have taken a lot of brewing feelings, 

to send me that message.

 

I can’t hear that stupid sweet album anymore. 

It is so mixed up with Him and You. 

I wanted to say something while we were there, 

Him and I,

water running down our bodies, 

But I wanted to change the meaning of the album, 

and it was nice, 

but it hurts. 

 

During “Nightingale Pt 2”.

I feel like crying, 

I remember holding Ryan in my arms, 

and the intimate activity made me feel connected to him, 

so connected to him, 

and everything felt alright, 

I felt his skin on mine, and I moved closer,

but I saw you, 

I saw you then, 

I’m sorry for looking at you while I was in that moment, 

I cried on his shoulder, maybe one tear, 

That song is only a minute long.

 

I wanted to overwrite your memory with him, 

I wanted to delete your fingerprints from that music, 

but it turns out I couldn’t. 

 

Whether I like it or not, I’ll always hear you in it, 

I hear you singing, 

I see you, 

I smell you.

 

Maybe it was all best for me too, 

I am sorry he did not reciprocate your feelings, 

I am sorry I did not, either. 

But it is not like I never felt such a way before Him, 

He was like a distant dream, 

it felt like we were both having fun pursuing such an impossible person, 

We laughed at him, we questioned the brains in his head.

We hid that we both really liked him. 

When they told me, we had already been stealing moments together, 

in the car, 

in the dark, 

I kept it a secret.

 

You told me the same about myself, at a similar time, 

You were so embarrassed, 

I wanted to see that reaction again, 

While I was holding Him off, saying “I am unsure..”

I was being cruel to you, 

I had enough decency to never go too far, 

But not enough decency to still end up going lengths, 

without ever touching.

 

I know I thought it was equal, I thought we were having fun, 

But of course I was playing with your feelings. 

 

There were too many emotions like that between us all. 

Of course He seems the most level headed, Brains are in his head it seems

If it never worked out between He and I, 

I worried you would take him, 

Even as friends all together, I found myself jealous at the thought. 

I tried to be encouraging of you both spending time alone, 

but it was too early, and I was simmering with it, 

 

Jealousy. 

 

Maybe I was jealous of both parties.

As much as I hate to say it, 

If He was not there, 

I think things could have happened between us. 

But of course that may have ended up much worse. 

I think they would have. 

 

I cannot remember if I ever told you that, 

maybe I was in a relationship at that point, 

but I think any early feelings always makes ending a friendship, 

feel like some nasty break up. 

Maybe that is why it hurts so much. 

 

Goodbye my friend. 

Thank you.