Dear Mom

Mom, you know,
it’s too hard,
too hard for me to say —
I hate you.

Because then I see your eyes,
and I wonder —
how did you survive?
Your whole life?
Without love?
Without hope?

How could God hate you so much,
when you worship Him so much?
How could He be so cruel to you?

A father and a mother —
yet never felt the warmth of a hand.
Four sisters and a brother —
yet never felt understood.
Two marriages, two families —
yet none chose to be kind.

And then a daughter like me?
How exhausted must you be?

I imagine all your hurt —
it weighs me down too.
The guilt makes me forget
all the cruelty you inflicted
on my little heart.

’Cause maybe you didn’t know any better.
You were teaching me survival,
and I was searching for love.
You were trying to perfect me,
and I was begging for validation.
You were building a life for me,
and I was just hoping
to build a home with you.

My heart aches for you
when I look at you
through the eyes
of a woman,
of a human.

But my heart,
it hurts too,
when I look at myself
through the eyes
of a daughter.