The pedestal, reprise

Four years ago I sat on a perfect marble pedestal.

A pedestal so high up, falling from it meant death.

 

I did not choose to sit on this pedestal, no.

I was placed there by people whose expectations of me rose at the same pace as my pedestal.

 

It's a funny thing really, when I was little it was always a manageable height.

Nothing that I couldn't get off of.

 

But as I sat there, the pedestal grew.

It was great at first, being at the height of praise.

 

But the pedestal got too high too soon.

Before I knew it, I was in the clouds.

 

I was isolated, afraid, and loathed my pedestal.

But eventually, someone came along and helped me down.

 

They let me be human, made me feel safe.

Helped me realize how wrong it was to be put on such a high pedestal.

 

They helped me get my pedestal back to the ground.

I could step up on it and stand on it when I needed to,

 

But I could always step off when I was done.

I preferred to sit on it however, and maybe that was my mistake.

 

I stayed up on my pedestal for too long and it started rising again.

But the person increasing its height had changed.

 

The person that had rescued me from my prison was returning me to it.

Do they realize it? I don't know.

 

All that I do know is that my pedestal has risen to a point of danger.

Should I fall, I'll die.

 

I'm trying my hardest to balance on my pedestal,

However the marble is cracked from weathering and misuse.

 

I don't know how much longer my pedestal will last.

How much longer until it breaks and I die from the fall.

 

But I'm gluing the cracks back together with honey.

It says for a while but is eventually washed away by my tears.

 

I fear the fall but yearn for it too.

I know a fall from this height means death but it also means no more pedestal.

 

Four years ago, I wished a tragedy upon myself.

Not because I wanted death, no.

 

I wished tragedy for hope.

Hope that people would remember my humanity.

 

One year ago I was free from my pedestal.

One year ago, I felt more human than I do now.

 

But today my pedestal is taller than it was four years ago.

Today I have to cut out my humanity to fit the mold again.

 

I've cut the ugly parts out, hidden them away.

A crack in the mold means a crack in the pedestal.

 

The more my pedestal cracks the more I feel like I am wrong.

The more cracks that happen, the more of a burden I feel.

 

I keep my lips tight, I've learned speaking out of turn causes cracks.

 

I've learned what topics are no longer safe.

I make sure to avoid talking about anything that could lead to dangerous topics.

 

However, every so often I forget.

I'll get comfortable and say something I hadn't realized was a danger subject.

 

I'll watch as the pedestal cracks.

I watch as I try not to fall from the sudden gust of air trying to knock me off of the pedestal.

 

I'm trying my hardest right now and it's stressful.

But my best isn't enough.

 

One small mistake means one big crack,

And I feel helpless against it.

 

It's hard trying to participate in being with the family,

When doing so is more often than not the wrong action.

 

It's hard trying to move forward in life,

When no matter what I'm doing it feels like it's not enough.

 

It's hard to not feel like like I'm selfish,

When my events have been worded to mean financial burden.

 

It's hard to balance all that weight,

When I'm trying to cope with my own self loathe.

 

It's hard living as my true self,

When my identity is seen as delusion, a disorder.

 

It's hard living in a body,

When the things I hate about it can't be changed without surgery.

 

It's hard looking in a mirror,

When my clothes aren't hiding the parts of me that are wrong.

 

It's hard living on a pedestal,

When it's crumbling beneath you.

 

But I do it. 

Because I have to.

 

I do it not for myself,

But for those who put me up here.

 

I do it not out of joy,

But in fear of what might be thought of me if I co

uldn't handle my pedestal.

 

So I'll sit up here.

And I'll wait until it goes back down.

 

I hope it goes back down.