The Inquiry

So the orders were to charge the hill. Did you charge the hill?

No Sir. The Sergeant was reading his book.

How was he reading his book?

I don’t understand that question, Sir.

What I’m asking, Soldier, was he hiding behind the book?

No, Sir, he always reads the book.

Did he at any point stop reading the book?

Yes Sir.

Could you maybe enlighten us on this great event?

Yes, Sir, he asked the radio operator to get onto the enemy’s frequency so he could talk to the officer in charge.

And did the radio operator make contact.

Yes Sir.

What happened next.

The Sergeant asked him to surrender.

And I suppose he just agreed, and we all lived happily ever after.

No, Sir, they hit us with everything.

Do you mean they didn’t obey the Sergeants demands? Did this upset the Sergeant, or did he just go back to his book.

No Sir, he rolled his eyes.

When the Sergeant rolls his eyes, is that a bad thing.

Yes, Sir, people tend to die when the Sergeant rolls his eyes.

So you then proceed to engage the enemy.

No Sir.

So what did he do?

He told the radio operator to inform the officer in charge that he would be attacked at 4 a.m. Though he could surrender anytime before that.

So let's fast-forward here. They didn’t surrender, and at 4 a.m., you attacked.

No Sir.

Goddamn soldier, I’m ageing in front of you. What the hell happened.

Well, Sir, at 1 A.M., the Sergeant split us into two groups, with orders to make our way behind the enemy line. At 2 A.M. we would be in position, and at 2.07 A.M the attack would begin.

Do you mean he lied to the enemy, attacking 2 hours early? That is Un- American Soldier. What is the significance of 2.07 A.M. Is 7 his favourite number? Why not the military time of 2 A.M?

He was at chapter 7 in the book.

That blasted book again. Tell me it was the bible, I can live with that.

No, Sir, the Sergeant isn’t very religious. Though he does say Jesus H Christ a lot.

Put that in the report, blasphemy.

So you attacked and took the position, then what?

Well, sir, the Sergeant decided this wasn’t the command post, so he got the radio operator to plot their position. Which turned out to be 4 klicks away. He then decided on a Greek attack.

I’ll probably hate asking this question. What the hell is a Greek attack?

I’m not too sure, Sir, it’s something to do with a wooden horse.

Do you mean he built a wooden horse?

No, Sir, he drove their vehicles into camp and arrested them.

And they just allowed this.

They seemed okay about it. Well, apart from the officer in charge who said it was Un- American.

My god, Soldier, do you see what I’m up against here? Right, let's get to the point when the Colonel arrived.

Right, Sir, the Sergeant was playing chess with the enemy officer. He was about two moves away from getting beaten.

Does this have any bearing on the turn of events?

Yes, Sir, the Sergeant's eyes were rolling.

Oh yes, we know bad things happen when the Sergeant's eyes roll.

So, the Colonel walked in, and what happened next.

Well, Sir, the Sergeant informed the enemy officer that the game would have to be made void.

That is bloody bad manners, Soldier. So what happened?

Well, Sir, the Colonel wanted to know why the Sergeant had taken both positions without informing him.

Damn right he would. What did the Sergeant say to that?

He said there was not enough room in the horse for everybody.

Back to  the bloody horse again. Then what.

Then the enemy officer started laughing.

What did the Colonel do about that.

He played his gambit, Sir.

What do you mean?

He told the Sergeant to stand to attention when addressing an officer.

Damn right he did, surprised he didn’t bust him down to private. Next.

Well Sir, the Sergeant informed him this was his landing zone, and technically he was the officer in charge.

This is what I mean, a full-blown Colonel being dictated to by a ranking soldier. This is what’s wrong with this man's army. Every goddam soldier is a barrack room lawyer now. Just tell me the Colonel took charge.

No, Sir, he was arrested.

I don’t believe I’m hearing this. This just doesn’t happen. I’m telling you now, we do checks on this soldier, he’s escaped from the asylum. That’s why his eyes are rolling. He’s goddamn nuts. Let's move on. The Colonel is arrested, then what?

Then the Sergeant started to put the chess pieces back to start a new game.

How did that go down with the enemy?

Not too well, Sir. He hit the Sergeant with his glove, calling him ungentlemanly, and offered him a duel.

When you say a duel, are we talking swords?

No, Sir, pistols.

This is getting interesting now, soldier. So he’s arrested the Colonel, been offered a duel. Does he accept the duel?

Yes Sir.

What happened next?

Well, Sir, they stood back to back, and I called out the twelve paces. On the twelfth pace, they would both turn and fire.

And this is what happened, soldier.

No Sir.

How did I know you were going to say that? What happened.

The officer turned on the eleventh pace and fired.

That was bloody ungentlemanly. Was the sergeant wounded?

No, Sir, the shot missed.

So, by the rules of duelling, the Sergeant was entitled to shoot him dead.

Yes Sir.

I’m probably going to regret asking this. Did the sergeant shoot him dead?

No Sir.

Did they play another game of chess?

No, Sir, the Sergeant shot him in the balls.

Jesus H Christ. That is one bad- ass Sergeant. Do we now draw a line under this soldier?

No Sir, the Colonel involved himself again.

You say that soldier, as if the Colonel. The most senior officer in the field should just mind his own business. I’m still thinking mutiny here, soldier.

Yes Sir.

What happened next.

Nothing initially, Sir, mainly because word came through of an imminent attack.

Right soldier, and this is where the Colonel took charge, and kicked ass.

No Sir.

I really should adjourn this inquiry, I’m losing the will to live. Right, carry on, soldier.

Well, Sir, the Colonel said we should dig in and wait for reinforcements. The Sergeant said that was dumb ass thinking, cos the force was a thousand strong.

How did the Sergeant know it was a thousand strong?

He always puts spotters out, says it saves lives.

So what was the Sergeant's plan?

He had already predicted the final push. So he had eight bombs laid out as part of the ambush.

So the bombs exploded as the force moved forward.

Sort of, Sir.

How do I get the feeling you're going to tell me a story? Did the bombs kill the enemy or not?

The forward bombs did their job perfectly, Sir.

Okay, soldier, you’ve lost me here. Are you saying some of the bombs went off, but some didn’t? Do not say, no, Sir.

The Sergeant planted the four bombs in the forward position, which he detonated. He then predicted the enemy would move back, which they did. He then detonated the other four bombs. It was carnage.

Jesus H Christ. Did you fire a shot?

No Sir. There were only two hundred left, they surrendered immediately.

I don’t know what to say, soldier. Oh, that’s a lie, soldier, I know exactly what to say. The Sergeant took it upon himself to give all the credit to the Colonel. Pray tell me what happened when the General turned up.

He gave the Colonel a medal.

Was that all he did?

No Sir.

Anything else.

He asked the Sergeant if he could see pink elephants flying around.

Did the Sergeant arrest him.

No Sir, the Sergeant has a great respect for the General.

Why would the General think pink elephants were flying around.

He didn’t believe the Colonel was capable of planning a battle.

Why would that be a soldier.

The General said the Colonel couldn’t get a fuck in a brothel.

Do you think that’s why the General is having an inquiry?

I’m not sure, Sir.

Can I ask you something, soldier?

Yes Sir.

What is the title of the book the Sergeant is reading?

Not sure of the title, Sir, but it’s about anger management.

Do you think he’ll ever finish it?

I hope not, Sir.

Why would that be, soldier?

I think we’ll lose the war if he finishes it.