THE MYCELIAL EPIC OF “PLEASE DON’T STEP ON MY FACE”

(A scientifically true ode to the fungal underlords who tolerate our nonsense daily)

 

 

I. In the Beginning, There Was… Mush

 

Before your great-great-great-great-great-grandma’s great-great-great-great-great-grandma crawled out of the ocean and said,

“Wow, land! I’m gonna go wheeze there,”

fungi were already here—

snacking on ancient wood

and politely dismantling the planet

into usable nutrients.

 

They were basically Earth’s first janitors,

custodians, librarians, recyclers,

and weird chemistry nerds who said things like:

 

“Hey, what if I secrete… enzymes

and dissolve that giant log over there?”

 

Spoiler:

They did.

And it worked.

 

 

II. Hyphae: Nature’s Microscopic Noodles

 

Imagine thin, see-through spaghetti,

but the kind of spaghetti

that grows through rocks,

smells like damp socks,

and can digest you given enough time.

 

These are hyphae:

the fungal equivalent of a Wi-Fi cable,

but slime-powered

and somehow more reliable than Comcast.

 

Hyphae grow at the tips,

pushing forward like little eager interns

saying:

 

“I CAN FIT BETWEEN THESE GRAINS OF SAND

IF I JUST BELIEVE HARD ENOUGH!”

 

And they do.

They always do.

 

 

III. The Mycorrhizal Marriage

 

(or: Trees Need Therapy, Too)

 

Plants:

“I’m so hungry…

but the nutrients are soooo faaaaar away.”

 

Fungi:

“Give me sugar and I’ll get it for you, babe.”

 

And that, kids,

is how mycorrhizae formed:

the healthiest relationship in Earth’s history.

 

Fungi deliver:

 

phosphorus (the power mineral!)

 

nitrogen (plant crack!)

 

micronutrients (the fungal multivitamin pack™)

 

 

Plants deliver:

 

glucose (literal liquid sunshine)

 

sucrose (dessert)

 

the sweet taste of dependency

 

 

It’s basically Uber Eats,

but the delivery driver

is a miles-long underground organism

and the customer pays in carbohydrates.

 

 

IV. The Wood-Wide Web:

 

Earth’s Original Internet (No Cookies Required)

 

Long before humans invented the internet

and filled it with cat pictures and questionable life choices,

fungi created a biological fiber-optic network

connecting entire forests.

 

Trees message each other like:

 

Birch: “Yo Fir, you good? You look pale.”

Fir: “Winter’s rough, bro. Need carbon?”

Birch: “Say less.”

 

And the fungi deliver the DM

faster than you answer texts from your mom.

 

They also spread alerts:

 

Tree: “HELP! BUGS!”

Fungi: “On it.”

Other Trees: “Bug spray mode activated.”

 

Truly, they are the unsung IT department

of the natural world.

 

 

V. Mushrooms:

 

The Fruit Nobody Asked For

 

A mushroom is the Apple Store

of the fungal body:

sleek, temporary, and overpriced with spores.

 

The actual fungus is underground,

rolling its hyphae eyes and muttering:

 

“Ugh, fine, I’ll make a fruiting body.

Maybe THIS one won’t get eaten by squirrels in 10 minutes.”

 

Spores?

They’re basically fungal baby seeds

with the life ambition of drifting somewhere moist

and ruining a stump’s day.

 

One puffball releases trillions,

which is fungi saying:

 

“I’m not taking any chances.

Most of you idiots won’t make it.”

 

A spore cloud can literally

alter the chemical composition of the atmosphere.

That’s natural domination, baby.

 

 

VI. Decomposition:

 

(Or, Why You Should Thank Fungi

Every Time You Don’t Trip Over Corpses in the Woods)

 

Without fungi,

the world would be a trash hoarder’s dreamscape

of:

 

unrotted leaves

 

undead logs

 

half-gnawed squirrels

 

every dead thing ever

 

your regrets, probably

 

 

Fungi break it down.

All of it.

Efficiently, neatly,

and with the enthusiasm of a raccoon

opening a bag of stale Doritos.

 

They have enzymes for everything:

 

lignin? (crunchy wood armor) → mlem

 

cellulose? → yum yum

 

your compost bin? “YES CHEF”

 

 

They turn death into soil,

soil into life,

and life into… more life.

 

Basically the Earth’s recycling gods.

 

 

VII. The Secret Fungal Agenda

 

What fungi want:

 

moisture

 

someplace dark

 

something dead to eat

 

no humans stepping on them

 

a little respect, please???

 

 

What fungi DO NOT want:

 

you picking them

 

you misidentifying them

 

you asking “Is this edible?”

The answer is always:

“It depends.

On how much you value your liver.”

 

 

VIII. The Final Lesson

 

(Delivered by a Very Tired Fungus)

 

Listen, human.

You walk around thinking you run the show.

But fungi:

 

run nutrient cycles

 

shape ecosystems

 

regulate forests

 

influence climate

 

invented soil

 

predate plants

 

outnumber you

 

and will outlive you

 

AND will eventually recycle your corpse

 

 

Not in a mean way.

Just… professionally.

 

So here is the fungal benediction:

 

“Be grateful, squishy creature.

You are temporary.

We are infrastructure.”

 

And somewhere,

a puffball bursts joyfully,

releasing a cloud of spores

that say in tiny voices:

 

“LOL.”