Mother's Daughter

My heart thunders

It’s not real, I tell myself

I’m worrying for nothing

Everything will be fine

The front door opens

I look up, not ready for what’s coming

This moment could change everything

Dad’s silhouette is lit by the porch light

Past meets present meets future

His face is broken

Broken

My mind freezes, my entire world pausing

The world fades away

Shadows grasp, candlelight flickers

Flames are smothered

Breath stifled

Dad steps forward, stripped of all composure

Eternally falling now

Speech withdraws, feelings swallow existence

Papa folds, falls, earth consumes

Breathe

Heartbeat, continue

I stand, joining him

I keep the tears back, using my strength to try to pull him from the waves

I know I can’t keep him from this, but I’ll still try

I’ll rescue any part of him I can

In my arms, he breaks down, his soul cracking open

Life will never be the same

We can never go back

Go back

How will we go forward?

Dad whispers between gasps, “She’s gone.”

Gone

She’s Gone

Two simple words strong enough to end a life

Strong enough to change a timeline

Darkness seems suddenly darker

Eternity ceases

Forever loses truth

Impressions erase

Mom’s voice turns static

Her face flashes in my vision

The outlines seeming to fade from memory

I reach out, trying to hold onto her

But she’s gone

Dad leaves, needing to process this alone

I give him space

I’d never seen him cry before

I stand in my room, facing my mirror

My reflection looks back at me

A girl

Young

Tired

Imperfect

Unprepared

Motherless

Without her, how am I to continue?

Past meets present meets future

Past erases

Future becomes too heavy

I study my curls, dirty blond

Inherited from her

I look around, every corner, every tile, every shelf

Filled with her

How could she be gone

This must not be real

I must be dreaming

My brothers sleep in the room beside me

Their dreams blissful

I send a prayer

Never let them wake to reality

Let them stay in this world

I think of Dad, beyond them, his life forever altered

Alone

Isolation suddenly seems the worst curse

I lean down, picking up my small, orange cat

He looks up at me, rubbing his head against my hand

If only I could live in that small world

Small, blissful world

Will he remember her?

Seeing the loving gaze in his eyes, I finally let down my guard

Let myself feel

Emotions burst forth

I try to stay quiet, not wanting to wake my brothers

But it’s impossible

Memories push to my mind

Years ago, my body wrapped in warmth

A mother’s lullaby floating through the air

My mind slow, my world comforting

The feeling of sitting beside her

Her arms around me

Her laugh

The care she put into letting me know I was loved

I let my tears flow freely

I’ll never feel her again

Never hear her again

Never

I hold Leo tighter, trying to let him feel the motherly love I so desperately wish for

Mom carried, healed, held

Loving angel

Heavenly now

Leo purrs, and I smile through the blur of emotion

If she couldn’t love us anymore,

I would make certain I would love for her

She might be gone

But she would live on through me

I would share her ministering angel

My father would find support in me

My brothers would find love in me

The world would never be the same

But she would never be completely gone

She was my mother

And I am her daughter.