little panda

Little panda once thought to himself,
once at an early age, he did ask himself,
why is my papa hurting me?
was it love? the feeling of being seen?
But love does not equate to fear, he thought to himself.
If love is like this,
why does it keep hurting me?
why am I feeling in pain and bruised all over?

To tell you honestly, little panda:

love is not about how your paws tremble in fear
when he calls you in a loud voice.

love is not about how visible
the purple marks are in your body,
demanding enough to be seen as a warning by others,
but they chose to turn a blind eye on it
and ignore the signs you want to show them.

love is not about how loud a voice can be,
enough to leave you flinch
when he chose to shout instead of calling you in a calm voice.

love is not about how small you feel
and look at yourself
when your father chose to insult and belittle you.

love is not about how you created a monster in me
due to the fact that when you are drunk or sober,
high or restless,
you still chose to hurt me.

love is not about how many times I beg
to stop you from hurting me,
but you did not listen to me.

love is not supposed to make your personality bad.
If they are mean to you,
it does not mean that you can be one too.
Promise to me, little panda,
that one day,
you would hope not to be like what your father did to you—
under the influence of weed and alcohol.

love is not about how many times your father hits you,
pinches or punches you,
burns a cellophane to drip on your leg,
push you through the window and forces to fit you in there,
or puts you inside the sack
and hang you in the tree then smokes you.
It is not also about how he lets you hold a rope
and runs while the car is running too.

love is not supposed to make you question your worth.
It is not supposed to make you ask yourself
why you exist—
because in the first place
you never even asked to be born.
so, it is not your fault.
your feelings are valid.

love is not about abuse.
it is not about gaslighting and being manipulative.
love is not supposed to be loud
or be hurt enough to be heard or seen.
love is supposed to be quiet and calm.
not to let you be scared,
but to let you be comforted and relaxed.

so, little panda,
your inner child is not yet fully healed and fulfilled.
let me take all of the pain away for you.

you can rest your shaky paws in my paws,
hug me when you feel sad and lonely.

life is not always rainbows and butterflies,
there are times it is all cloudy and stormy—
but the storm shall pass.

I am the lighthouse in your dock,
to guide and light your way to me.
Rest your weary head on my shoulders, surrender your whims, worries and rants to me and I will surely lend you my ears.