A Very Mismanaged Christmas Album (full of political parody)

TRACK 1 - “Empire Swells”

 

Verse 1  

Racing ‘cross the waves,  

In a steel‑and‑steam display,  

Off to Cuba’s shores  

For sugar‑cane soufflé.  

Congress rang the bells,  

Newspapers yelled “Hooray!”  

And suddenly the nation found  

A taste for wide buffet.

 

Chorus  

Oh -

Empire swells, empire swells,  

Growing by the day.  

Oh what fun it is to run  

A globe‑spun holiday.  

Hey!  

Empire swells, empire swells,  

Grab a port and bay.  

History wrapped in tinsel  

And shipped the Yankee way.

 

Verse 2  

Philippines and Guam,  

Puerto Rico too,  

“Just temporary,” they hummed -

A carol we outgrew.  

Every Christmas since,  

We hang the same décor:  

A wreath of “We’ll do better,”  

And a bow of “Just one war.”

 

TRACK 2 - “O Come, All Ye Lobbyists”

 

Verse 1  

O come, all ye lobbyists,  

Joyful and victorious,  

Marching through the marble halls  

With binders ten feet tall.  

Bring forth your festive charts,  

Your seasonal amendments -

For nothing says “good governance”  

Like gifts from K Street’s mall.

 

Chorus  

Gloria… in excelsis payroll.  

Gloria… in excelsis payroll.

 

Verse 2  

O senators and staffers,  

Behold the winter offering:  

A thousand-page proposal  

Wrapped in evergreen.  

The public sings outside,  

But you can’t hear them calling -

The carols drown beneath the sound  

Of pens that never sleep.

 

TRACK 3 - “Have Yourself a Very Little Safety Net”

 

Verse 1  

Have yourself a very little safety net,  

Trimmed down every year.  

Once it held us steady, now it’s  

Mostly atmosphere.  

Through the decades promises were made and shelved,  

Filed behind “We’ll see.”  

Turns out patching holes is harder  

Than a holiday decree.

 

Chorus  

Here we are, as in olden days,  

New Deal golden days - fading.  

Faithful friends who were counted on  

Found the ladder gone - upgrading.

 

Verse 2  

Someday soon, we all may see a brighter plan,  

If we dare to try.  

Till then hang your stockings on a  

Hope that’s running dry.  

And have yourself a very little safety net  

Tonight.

 

TRACK 4 - “Frosty the Bureaucrat”

(A jaunty, slightly tragic fable about a civil servant who keeps melting under shifting mandates.)

 

Verse 1  

Frosty the Bureaucrat  

Was a jolly paper soul,  

With a coffee mug and a badge that read  

“Please file in triplicate - goal.”  

He came to life one fiscal year  

When the budget winds blew cold,  

But the memos changed and the deadlines ranged  

Till he felt a thousand years old.

 

Chorus  

Oh, Frosty, slow and steady,  

Trying hard to do things right.  

But each reform melts his platform  

By the end of every night.

 

Verse 2  

There must have been some magic in  

The rulebook he adored,  

For every time he solved a task  

They added twenty more.  

He shuffled through the offices,  

A hero made of snow - 

But when priorities rearranged,  

He sighed, “Again? I know.”

 

TRACK 5 - “Deck the Halls with Rows of Filings”

(Fast, rhythmic, full of stamping, shuffling, and the absurdity of paperwork culture.)

 

Verse 1  

Deck the halls with rows of filings,  

Fa‑la‑la‑la‑la, la‑la‑la‑la.  

Towers tall and ever‑piling,  

Fa‑la‑la‑la‑la, la‑la‑la‑la.  

Hear the copier’s festive humming,  

Watch the inbox overflow -

’Tis the season of becoming  

Lost in forms you’ll never know.

 

Chorus  

Click the pens and stamp the pages,  

Fa‑la‑la, la‑la‑la, la‑la‑la.  

Paperwork through all the ages,  

Fa‑la‑la‑la‑la, la‑la‑la‑la.

 

Verse 2  

See the clerks in frantic motion,  

Trying hard to stay afloat.  

Every memo like an ocean  

With a tiny paper boat.  

Still they sing with weary laughter,  

“Maybe next year we’ll be free!”  

But the filing elves come after  

With a brand‑new policy.

 

TRACK 6 - “Silent Night, Loud Committee”

(A slow, reverent carol constantly interrupted by procedural chaos.)

 

Verse 1  

Silent night…  

Loud committee.  

All is stalled,  

Nothing’s pretty.  

Round the table the members glare,  

Each one claiming the floor’s unfair.  

Sleep in heavenly peace -

If the chair grants release.

 

Verse 2  

Silent night…  

Endless motions.  

Every clause  

Stirs emotions.  

Someone calls for a late review,  

Someone else wants amendments too.  

Minutes stretch into years -

Bring the holiday cheer.

 

Verse 3  

Silent night…  

Hope is fleeting.  

Still they vow  

“One more meeting.”  

Candles flicker in tired hands,  

Dreaming softly of simpler plans.  

Peace will come when they see  

How to adjourn gracefully.

 

TRACK 7 - “Rudolph the Red‑Taped Reindeer”

(Upbeat, bright, but with that gentle ache of potential smothered by process.)

 

Verse 1  

Rudolph the red‑taped reindeer  

Had a very brilliant mind,  

But every time he offered  

They said, “Submit in Form A‑9.”  

All of the other reindeer  

Knew he could improve the sleigh,  

Still they sent him spreadsheets  

And asked for updates every day.

 

Chorus  

Then one foggy budget year,  

Santa came to say:  

“Rudolph, with your plan so bright,  

Could you guide our goals tonight?”  

But before he answered,  

Came a clerk with stamps galore -

“First we need approvals  

From at least twelve boards or more.”

 

Verse 2  

Rudolph kept on trying,  

But the meetings never ceased.  

Innovation’s hard to spark  

When the minutes are increased.  

Still he hums a carol,  

Dreaming of a future where  

Ideas fly like snowflakes  

In a deregulated air.

 

TRACK 8 - “I Saw Mommy Kissing the Pentagon Budget”

 

Verse 1  

I saw Mommy kissing the Pentagon budget  

Underneath the mistletoe last night.  

She said, “It’s just a little boost,  

A festive sprinkle of excuse -

It grows a bit each year,  

But who could mind that sight?”

 

Verse 2  

Then I peeked at Daddy signing off the add‑ons,  

Saying, “’Tis the season - what can we do?”  

They wrapped it up in ribbon red,  

Called it “urgent,” stamped it “sped,”  

And placed it by the tree  

With matching stockings too.

 

Bridge  

Oh, the elves in R&D  

Sang carols merrily,  

While the workshop down the lane  

Got crumbs again.  

It’s a holiday tradition  

Passed from hand to hand -

A budget shaped like tinsel  

Stretching ‘cross the land.

 

TRACK 9 - “All I Want for Christmas Is a Balanced Plan”

 

Verse 1  

I don’t want a miracle,  

I don’t need a star -

Just a plan that doesn’t wobble  

Like a half‑assembled car.  

Every year they promise,  

“Next time we’ll understand.”  

All I want for Christmas  

Is a balanced plan.

 

Chorus  

A plan that doesn’t tip or sway,  

A plan that lasts beyond the day,  

A plan that doesn’t get replaced  

By “We’ll revisit this in May.”  

Oh, I just want a roadmap true  

With steps we’ll actually follow through -

Make my wish the simplest one you can:  

All I want for Christmas is a balanced plan.

 

Verse 2  

I don’t need a ribbon,  

I don’t need a bow -

Just a sense that someone’s steering  

Where the sleigh is meant to go.  

Every year we patch it  

With a temporary scan -

All I want for Christmas  

Is a balanced plan.

 

TRACK 10 - “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Oversight”

(Cheerful, bustling, and knowingly futile - like a holiday mall where every store sells audits.)

 

Verse 1  

It’s beginning to look a lot like oversight,  

Everywhere you go.  

There’s a brand‑new review,  

And a task force too,  

And a subcommittee formed to check the flow.  

It’s beginning to look a lot like oversight -

Hear the gavels ring.  

But the prettiest sight to see  

Is the binder that will be  

Filed by early spring.

 

Verse 2  

A report that’s thick and a timeline quick  

Are the hopes of every chair,  

But the findings stall and the memos sprawl  

Till they vanish in the air.  

And the cycle starts again  

With a fresh procedural flair.

 

TRACK 11 — “O Little Town of Infrastructure”

 

Verse 1  

O little town of infrastructure,  

How still we see thee lie.  

Above thy streets, the streetlights blink  

In a half‑asleep goodbye.  

Yet in thy silent highways  

The weary engines groan,  

For hopes of fixing bridges old  

Remain on wish lists lone.

 

Verse 2  

For every plan proposed anew,  

A dozen fade from sight.  

The pipes beneath the city sigh  

Through every frosty night.  

Still children dream of futures  

Where roads don’t crack and bend -

A land where maintenance isn’t  

A means, but just the end.

 

TRACK 12 - “We Wish You a Functional System”

(A triumphant, ironic finale - carolers singing with full hearts and crossed fingers.)

 

Verse 1  

We wish you a functional system,  

We wish you a functional system,  

We wish you a functional system  

And a long‑term plan.  

For tidings of clarity,  

And less polarity -

We wish you a functional system  

Where the gears all span.

 

Verse 2  

Now bring us some stable funding,  

Now bring us some stable funding,  

Now bring us some stable funding  

And a timeline too.  

For we won’t stop our singing,  

Though the bells keep ringing -

We’re dreaming of steady decisions  

That actually follow through.

 

Verse 3  

We all want a future brighter,  

We all want a future brighter,  

We all want a future brighter  

Than the one we’ve had.  

So we’ll keep on caroling,  

And maybe, with some barreling,  

We’ll build us a functional system  

That makes the next kids glad.