stagnancy

it's a friday night and we're 
stumbling, laughing
trying our hardest to keep up with
a wii fit routine
and watching my friend, who streams
a week before he quits
which paints the edges of the happiness
a sad sort of colour
a navy blue
mixed with the happy yellow
making green that matches
the nausea from all this dancing 

i am holding on
to all the happiness i can find
particularly now
when life is loud
i tire myself out
i spend most of my days 
resisting the urge to shout

and i know, i hold on
a little too tight
grab the comfort
and refuse to let it go
sometimes i have to 
rock myself to sleep
because i don't want you to leave me

and the words aren't 
cutting it for me anymore
i cannot write everything
there is in my head
i used to hold the pen in-hand
and let it dance
but now
i don't stand a chance
i shout at the words
as if to make them better
but they continue to sit, stubborn
every stupid letter

i am
exhausted
haunted 
by the idea of rest
trying to be the best
and meeting an untimely end of joy

i am finding stagnancy 
in what i used to enjoy

there is happiness here
i know it
watching you try to keep up
with this dance
and giggling as you waver
then, returning to my bed
to kiss the top of your head
and spend the rest of my time
in your arms 

there is joy here
there is calm

but i wish
i did not have to 
grasp it so tight
to make it stay
i am scared my grip will
turn it blue
make it said
ruin
the good with bad

one day, i would like
to hold the joy gently
in my open palms 
hug the happiness
with open arms
i don't want to feel
like it will leave

i want to believe
it will stay for me.

12:57pm - 18/12/25.