All I can think of

My dad wanted to go hiking one time when I was a kid, but I was the only one who wanted to go. We lived across from the mountains, and almost up to climb, he decided to turn back.

We'd have barbeques in the backyard, and I'd ask for jerky.

We move.

He'd take us to school in the mornings. When I went into public school, we'd stay in the empty parking lot for hours since we had to wake up when it was still dark. I'd listen to my CD player, and he'd smoke and walk around.

He'd give me two hours on his computer. He was always careful that I didn't get addicted at such a young age. He didn't fail, but I did.

One time we moved and I liked the house a lot. I'd go and lay on him, in his arms, when we had a really good couch. Always playing the news. I miss laying on him. It was the safest place in the world.

He picked me up from the mall once and I was being kissed. He was angry, but we didn't say anything. I knew something was wrong, but as a child, you never really know what it's all getting at.

He told me our dog died. I didn't know what to say.

He cried when he asked me if I wanted to go with him, but I said no. I know it was the right thing, but sometimes I wish I had.

He never called me. I might not have had a phone to call.

I decided to stay with him for senior year. It was the best decision I've ever made, but when he fell and broke his ankle, I didn't go with him to the hospital. I didn't help him put up the TV. I didn't pay attention to his sermons. I didn't respect the sanctity of the church. I didn't come back before curfew.

I should have never left. I should have never taken him seriously when he said to.

Back and forth, I'd leave and come back. He took me to see my brother and my sister, but that's all I remember from that one time I stayed.

He doesn't stop me all the times I'd attempt, but I survive. I try college, but I lose my mind.

He's the only person I've ever abused. And though it's never okay to abuse anyone at all, he was the least deserving.