i still
send the messages through
to your number
as if you are not gone
no hope of a reply
years have gone by
and i still hit send
despite the end
if i focus enough
you're there, in front of me
looking at me with sympathetic eyes
you have seen the end of life
and still want to fix mine
i have braved every wave
that has forced me to change
i have openly faced
what i could not imagine
i have slit the throat
of every dragon
wiped the grit from my cheeks
and licked my hands clean
in a victorious plead
i have shaken
and been mistaken
i have cringed and cried
almost died inside
thought i lost my mind
lost you
lost the only person
who knew how to get me through
and still
if i close my eyes
i feel your fingers
gripping my spine
and snapping it upright
telling me
it is not yet my time
and in this gutting gyre
the edges of the air
are swirling with snow
it is two in the morning
and the children are laughing
throwing snowballs with force
and unexpected joy
you are still gone
but i find, there is still unexpected joy
and as i sit, by my window
i watch
and i learn
that i started off
just the same
a child
with a half-formed brain
a misleading belief
that things would stay the same
when i tap on the screen
send the messages through
i am but a child
grieving and beguiled
by the illusion of life
where it does not reside
i ache
to see you
just one more time
really here
not a figment of my mind
the closest it can be
is a dream
a mirage
of what used to be
so i close my eyes
and sleep
i throw the snow into the air
and feel it softly land
in my hair
i am alive
and you remain the same
in my mind.
03:29am - 05/01/26
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