i want what i can't have, it's making me crazy

a free-verse poem about unrequited queer yearning

i think i feel it, i know you see it, i wish i could reach it
blue glimmers on blue, on brown, on black
anybody else would be perfect in the sack
it’s a missing piece, a glitching link
a lost part of you that somehow got stuck inside of me
you pretend not to see it and i pretend not to believe it
a key that could certainly fit
rhythmically clicking in place
but if i push open the door and walk through it
the truth practically punches me
as repulsion floods a dark hall
of sheer grotesque incompatibility
of telling myself it’s fine, if we only keep it to kissing
i’ve been searching for these words
since the time you first met me
in dire need of naming this feeling.
you hold the candle, there is flame but no light
you feel nothing with your hand up my thighs
here’s a secret i’ve been keeping out of respect:
last night, in my dreams, your lips were on my neck
selfishly breaking your astral consent
i saw our faces in the mirror, i pretended not to see
my little secret, just for me to keep
scared to wake up and return to acting -
NOW STARRING: MS. MELODY V.
IN THIS ONE-WOMAN-SHOW
YOU’RE IN THE AUDIENCE
BUT YOU DON’T KNOW
for you this is plain reality.
so i’ll keep letting you hold on to my little hand
with just enough pressure to stop the bleeding
patient, proper, ready, and waiting
feels impossible to stop this but i promise i can
i’ll even walk you down the aisle when you find a man
these thoughts in my head, i’ll never let you see
i’ll always be by your side despite my harboring
proudly handing you over to this hypothetical “he”
all the while obtusely wondering
why not me?