Bonding

Today, guys is all about bonding

Relying on your partner for support

We’ll split you into groups to begin with

Then you will give us your name and a brief summary of yourself

Keep it light. What you watched last night is good to go

 

Oh, please let me be in the group with the blond

Oh, please don’t let me be in the group with George

 

Would someone like to start

I’ll start. My name is George. Last night, I watched an enthralling documentary on Panorama, all about the extinction of the Dodo bird

God, strike me down now

And what would you say you learned from the programme

Basically, how one must change to survive. Applause.

My name is Paul, I too had a Panorama sort of night, I had a panoramic view of the girls in the Strip club.

Well, and what did you learn from that experience.

I learned that if you put your taxi money into a stocking, you walk home. Muted groans.

My name is Julie, and I would just like to say that I find establishments like strip clubs offensive and demeaning to women. Loud applause.

God, what are you doing to me.

Would you like to respond to that Paul

Well, Julieanne I’m gobsmacked by that reaction.

My name is Julie

Oh sorry, I lost someone close called Julieanne, force of habit.

Oh, I’m sorry.

Pet rabbit.

What, are you kidding?

Let us swiftly move on.

Summary complete.

In this exercise, you will be split into pairs to complete a series of tasks that require you to work together to complete an obstacle course as quickly and safely as possible. The instructions are on every task.

Come forward when I shout your name.

Julie, Paul.

God, thank you.

Right, to start you off. Paul, you will take the rope which is on the platform, you will swing over the mud and water to the other platform, swing the rope back to Julie who will join you.  I will warn you now, the rope is intentionally short, you will have to judge your jump, if you make it, you must grab Julie when she swings over. 

Okay, let's get started.

Let me tell you now, do not grab me in any inappropriate places.

Inappropriate places, would that be like, Swansea, Bristol.

Right, go, well done, throw the rope back, right Julie go.

Grab me.  What. Grab me. Did you say, grab me?

Julie’s in the mud up to her ears.

I will go first on the next task, and god help you.

OK Julie, just not to close. 

Task 2. Your partner is injured, you must carry him or her  across the river to the field hospital. 

Did you say you would go first?

Yes, I did. Get on my back, and watch where you put your hands.

If you insist, Julie.

Doing well, Julie.

Shut up.

Call me Paul.

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

If you make it, fancy a drink tonight.

If this kills me, I’ll make it just to shut you up.

That’ll be a no, then.

Well done, Julie.

Get off.

Oops.

Further tasks completed.

 

Day 2

 

OK, guys, gather round. We’ll just share the thoughts on what you did last night, before we get onto the tasks at hand.

George, would you like to start?

Last night, I was reading the book Business for Forward Thinkers. Applause.

God, slit my throat.

Paul.

Last night, I was helping out at the local church, making up clothes parcels. Smirks.

Julie.

My god, bull,  I saw you in the hotel corridor, pissed, with no trousers on.

Paul, would you like to respond?

Put them in the clothes parcel, the least I could do.

Okay, let's move on

Today's Task is about total trust in your partner.

That rules you out. I wouldn’t trust you as far as I could throw you.

Julie, Julie, Thee of little faith, I’m warming to you. I  actually see us as a couple after this.

You’re delusional.

Today will see you climbing 2000 ft up a mountain. Anyone wishing to opt out, speak now.

George, I’m out. No head for heights.

You in, Paul

Climbing Julie, definitely

You in, Julie

I’m in

OK, the instructor has already started the ascent. Julie, for safety reasons, Paul will climb first. You will be attached to him, we’ll keep the distance between ten and fifteen feet.

Hear that, Julie, attached, that’s like a prenuptial

This rope is the nearest attachment you’ll get to me, fifteen feet, don’t forget it.

Have you climbed before

I usually climb down the way

What

Drainpipes, when husbands come home early

God, you’re full of it

OK Julie start climbing

Do you want me to wait Julie

Ten feet at all times [ sleaze bag]

OK with heights Julie

Fine

Need an arm, just holler, not too loud though

Swear to God

Tell me some of your bad habits Julie

Fuck off

Think we’ll have two children, what do you think

You won’t be capable of having children

Victor, how does that sound

The V suits you [ass]

Maybe Hotspur for the second

Fucking moron

We could get married on the mountain

Swear to God I’ll do time for you

Once you get to know me

Never hated anybody so much in my life

But you find me exciting

You’re a caveman

A sort of Tarzan

Dinosaur, you should be extinct

You do like men

Yes, just not men like you. Why are you not ten feet up

You’ve made it, Julie

What, I’ve reached the top, wow, I’ve climbed a mountain, what now

Now I reach into my rucksack for the glasses and champagne

You brought a bottle of champagne up a mountain

You always toast the climb, Julie

Any other little toasts

Just the stripping off for the mountain

How did I just know that, chancer, read my lips?

 

Monday.  Back in the office.

 

Julie, Sir Malcolm has summoned you.

Oh, that’s never good.

Go straight in.

Miss Reynolds, or do you prefer Julie?

Julie’s fine.

Right, I won’t beat about the bush, I’ve received the data back from the course. You have outshone and outdone the rest of the candidates, and for that reason, I want to offer you the senior partner's position.

I’ll let you go and think about it, and I’ll arrange lunch in the afternoon to discuss things. 

How did you find the course?

It was tough but fulfilling, though I could have killed one man on it.

I think that might be Paul Chambers you're talking about. Just as well you didn’t; his recommendation made our decision.

Does he work here?

No, he runs his own company. They tell me he’s very thorough.

You can tell me the gory details in the afternoon.

Right, Jenny, we’ve been promoted, tasks at hand before I go to lunch.

Two letters, the first one is for you. Keep it in your desk until further notice.

To read.  In the future, if I become pregnant, and I mention the names Victor or Hotspur to you. Punch me between the eyes very hard. 

OK, Julie

Second letter to Paul Chambers, you’ll find him in resources.

 

       Dear Paul.

 

             Thank you for your recommendation, though you certainly pushed

                every conceivable button there was to push over the two days you    

                   were attached to me.                     

                     I realise now that you talked me up the mountain, and the anger                      

                        you generated, pushed me all the way.

                             Sorry, I wanted to kill you.

                                  You really did play your part brilliantly.   

                                                                                                Thanks.

                                                 

                                               PS, I still don’t want to sleep with you. Sleazebag.

                                                                                                                  

                                                                                                                Love Julie

                                                                                                                         xxxxx