1am poetry

i think i am a mess
and my room is a mess
and i apologised to my cat when he walked in
because of the mess
as if he would be offended
when really, the empty takeout bag
became his new favourite hideout
so i should actually have graciously introduced him
and i think sometimes, i should practise
confidence in what i'm doing
reframe the clutter
as enrichment

i tried to clean it
the mess
in my room, not my head
but found myself, instead
rereading the same poetry book i've only just read
on the floor beside my bed
at one in the morning
approximately five hours before my alarm rings
and i am in tears, again
and i will regret it in the morning
when i am stumbling around the bedroom
choreographing around takeout bag thrones
and damp tissues from those tears
to try and find an outfit for the day
i should have laid out the night before
but did not because i convinced myself
in the morning, i would not mind
i will in fact
mind

but i need
words

i need
tenderness

i need
to be held
by someone else

and sometimes, these poets
admit things i didn't realise i also think
go to places i've also been
sometimes, these poets
describe being awestruck by a book
you know inside-out
on your bedroom floor at one in the morning
the night before work
and exhaustion does follow
but we always 
make it work

i've been meaning to clean the room
for three days at least
and each time, i have failed

tomorrow, i will try again
and maybe even 
fail

at cleaning my room
and other things too
perhaps i will be so half asleep
from my late night endeavour
i will slip on the takeout throne
and tear it in two 
and then apologise to my cat
rightfully this time

perhaps i will discover
all of my clothes are in fact
strewn on my floor
and worn

perhaps i will sit 
at six in the morning
rubbing my eyes
and trying not to cry 

perhaps i will feel
that every good thing
was building to one conclusive lie
no matter how i try
some things will always 
be wrong

i could be wrong
i could wake up tomorrow
play my favourite song
and dance
there is a chance

either way
i am sure, i will be held
in the words of those
who have also 
ached 
to be held. 

01:17am - 12/03/26.