One last chat

How many times I lied to you
I've tried to be the perfect child
I’ve yearned for love but didn't dare to ask
If you would love me less if I
Would prove to be a faulty one.

How many nights I spent with you after you’d gone,
Looking for hidden reasons or approval cues
How many times I felt you by my side
Agnostic yet longing for an afterlife.

I wish the heavens would exist
Allowing me to see you one more time
Standing together, side by side
To know the real you - not only as a mum.

Of all the secrets I have kept from you
There’s only one that lingers to this day
It is the time I held your hand
And promised you'll be well again.

I was too young to cope with losing you
The thought of death, incomprehensible
I wish I knew it was the only chance
To have one last chat and say

Our goodbyes.