museum

when i wander through the 
dusty, damp shelves
distant, but dreamy
disarming and endearing
i find 
not joy
or pain
but ache

first, a tiny wristband
once clear, now yellow
with my name 
and birth date
only this time
it is the 4th of July
the day they expected me
to begin this life
and when i examine it closer
the name on the label
is Francesca 
which my mother almost chose
before realising everyone had already written
Chloe
in all the cards
and she didnt want to break their hearts

and beside it, a blanket
not mine, and normal sized
woollen, blue
no bloodstains in sight
to lay over my brother
who was born at the right time
instead of entering this world
and almost losing his life

as i move, as i look
i find pristine, clean books
untouched, un-thumbed
unread, unloved
not a single tear welled
from words on a page
it feels strange 

a crumbling violin
with broken strings
and a horsehair bow
ready to bestow
the pleasure of sound
i pick up the instrument
and i am found

my dad's hat
new, not aged
and the latest game
ready for him to play
i reach out to touch
my fingers find glass
i long to reach through
and hold him at last

when i reach the end
there's a strange sense of calm
in knowing, all of this
could have been, but was not
and the last shelf is empty
bare, at first glance
until i spot a paper scrap
that reads
"love
waiting for a chance"
and the heart in my chest
seems to sprint, in relief
knowing this time,
i am glad this is not me

all of the bad
could have been good
healthy people, lively homes
the art of being understood
hobbies pursued 
happiness brewed
but in all of this change
i would not have known you

and i dont like to imagine
this gain as a trade
for all i gave up
every choice that i made
but when i settle, and smile
and thank God for my life
i know all is well
i know things are right.

22:09pm - 30/03/26