Dirty

I’ve carried this dirt inside me for as long as I can remember—since I was five or six.
I’ve tried to carve it out, tried to quiet it with pills,
even tried to leave this world three times, and I’m still here, still trembling under it.
I don’t know how to be clean.
I don’t know how to be enough.
I’ve believed for decades that God could never accept someone like me—someone who feels so broken, so dirty.
And yet… I want to believe. I want to know that He sees me, not just the mess I’ve made of myself,
but the person I’ve always been underneath it.
Can God accept someone who feels this far gone?
Can God love someone who has been carrying shame since childhood
and still struggles to believe they are worthy?
I’m asking you, not to tell me easy words,
but to help me hear truth I haven’t been able to reach alone.