don't let my mom read this poem

queer-with-a-pen

tell my mom that
i didn’t cry, when they
came for me

even if it’s a lie,
especially if it’s a lie

tell her about the
exact jacket and boots
that i’d like to wear,
and to please not put me
in the ground

don’t tell her about the
tears that streamed down
my cheeks and mixed with the
blood dribbling from my
nose and mouth

tell her what i would
have wanted her to have,
and make sure she takes even
what she feels she doesn’t deserve,
because she does

don’t tell her how i kept the
knife my father gave me and
that the blood on it 
wasn’t mine

tell her that i’m sorry
for making the conscious choice to
shorten my own life expectancy
so i could live out what was left
of it in the way that i wanted

don’t tell her how the scar stretching
across my chest was too low to be
reopened in autopsy, but the scotch
broom on my collarbones made
the perfect guideline

tell her i saw the sun rise in
pinks and blues that morning,
and turned my face to that light,
instead of away 

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Comments +

Comments3

  • sorenbarrett

    This speaks out about what abuse is to be hidden and what joys are to be told. Nicely written

    • queer-with-a-pen

      Thank you for reading my work!
      I’ve recently started watching Twin Peaks again, and there’s this one scene where the deputy, Andy, says to the sheriff, ‘tell her I didn’t cry,’ and then immediately breaks down sobbing. I borrowed parts of that for the opening stanza, and the overall feel of the poem.

      (You’re spot on with the theme! It is also very much a poem about being murdered for being queer and trans).

      • sorenbarrett

        You are most welcome. You may think it strange but gave up TV years ago so wouldn't know now time is devoted to poetry

      • Friendship

        Nicely written

        • queer-with-a-pen

          Thank you so much!
          I haven’t written since the beginning of the year, so it felt good to get back to those roots.

        • Tristan Robert Lange

          My friend, this carries a raw honesty that doesn’t try to soften anything…just holding love and pain in the same space and letting it speak. That tension is what makes it land so hard. It feels real, immediate, and deeply human. Powerful write. 🌹🖤🙏🕯️🐦‍⬛

          • queer-with-a-pen

            Thank you so much!
            I don’t write about myself super often, and even more rarely about my mom. This feels like a good combo of both, in perhaps the most devastating way possible.



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