Lonely

I feel so lonely, so by myself
Whilst I'm fighting so hard for my health.
Noone understands my illness right,
And how much it takes to keep up the daily fight.

People then wonder why I'm not dealing
with new hormones and how I am feeling.                   
' Keep it up ,  yay go you'
It's just not that easy and life debilitating too.

'You're looking alot better, keep doing what you do'
Some days are so uncomfortably hard to get through.
But I wouldn't be writing if I wasn't fighting,
This is my song, please help me be strong.

I feel so lonely,  24 /7  all by myself,
A hermit,  hidden away fighting for my health.

People to talk to,  but always misunderstood.

It's impossible for me to be social whilst eating food.
  
I'm uncomfortable and get sad, it's difficult not to go mad,
If anorexia consumed me fully , I kinda feel I'd be glad.
Because I'm weak today, yesterday, and the day before that,
When I eat I always feel so bloated and disgusting and fat.

So then I want to starve myself,
But i'm fighting against that, for my health .
I feel so alone .. I've only got me myself and I,
Some days I do feel it would be better to just die.
Because this illness is torture and such a lonely one,
Alas, each day I get up and do what needs to be done.


Waking up in the mornings and at night in bed,
I have that dangerous voice in the back of my head.
Tonight should I skip dinner
So I wake up feeling thiner,

I cant and wont do that as my illness is NOT the winner.

But these thoughts always consume me
Will I ever be free ?


Every day I'm still fighting in my recovery for health.
Always having to stand up against this illness by myself,
It's exhausting being this strong and doing what's enough,
It's such a mindfook illness and so very tough.

Telling me I'm bad, but I'm doing so good,
Emotions everywhere and so misunderstood.
Every day I'm obssessing about my weight,
And constantly thinking about food.

It's hard to concentrate
Be around a mate,
Feelings of fustrate.
My body I really do hate.


It's life debilitating and my illness gets mad,
So I get mad, then I get so sad,
I can't share my pain so I hide myself away,
In my room every single second of night and day.

Since leaving hospital I've had so much weight gain,
And I'm living constantly with internal and external pain.

I almost died at Christmas, 23 kilos, Given a week or two to live, until something ignited inside me and I gave all that I could give. 

Unfortunately so malnurished and every ounce of muscle lost, When I started to eat again it came with a cost. 

Refeeding syndrome kicked in and my whole body swelled in pain.  After 2 weeks of suffering I went back into hospital again. 

To fix my biochemistry and help the swelling and malnourishment, I worked so hard and after 2 weeks, even though I was still so frail,  to discharge me doctors were content.

I've been home for 2 months now and I'm working so hard that I've doubled my weight, from 3 stone to 6, but my body I do hate.

I feel so lonely,  and all by myself
But i'm not giving up again and will keep fighting for my health.

I don't know how I will ever live an actual normal life,
I know I'll never be a mother and never be a wife.

I feel so lonely , all by myself,  but I must remember to keep going and focus on my health.