Masks

How can I keep trying  to open up to you, when rn you're not afloat you're self, I cant turn to anyone but they all turn to me. What do I do though?, as much as I try to pray for me I really don't  I pray for others, I thank God letting him know im greatful i see the blessings. It may not be as much as I like but, I know he hears my silence.  Some see, some ask and some I tell it only a little bit, but it goes so much deeper then I tell or what anyone realizes. There so much, im really ready to break I never really fully do though. I barley ever have time to myself, my fear is more or so just breaking. My emotions, all that I carry is coming out. Through my tics or what ever you wanna call it. Those to are getting hard to stop. If im just sitting  not doing anything there worse I want to be up doing things so what I feel think is just boom gone, goes away to the back of my mind.  At nights it starts to flow but I still have to watch how I let things out. I cant wake my kid to that or let her see me break like that. She shouldn't be the one to hold me when I cry, that's not her job. She shouldn't be holding me telling me its going to be ok! im the dad/mom/parents.,  but with all that goes on and all the things, everyday of the week 2 to 3 appointments a day. I just, im., I cant. I don't know, im, I really want shut my location off,  put my phone on do not disturb and go in the middle of no where. Start building a home of some type, not tell anyone. Not tell a soul, no one will know. I have a plan to take kk and disappear and for a while, have a house phone and if we need access to our cells we go use them far away from our house, so no one will know. Then have everything done and ready for our name change and all that. Some it may hurt and they won't understand but I just I think we need to just disconnect for a while. The only ones who will know will be our workers. I want a car but I know with this car I will get many thoughts about leaving state and I really want to just pack what I can and be gone. I'm not sure how much I can handle,  my silence  should say it, me shaking should say it, me tensing, me twitching,  me doing my hand motions. Cant anyone really see the writing on the walls!!, I guess not. So I'll stay strong  and wear my many masks..