Dirty

I sat there, as quiet as a child,

Facing someone whom I no longer recognize. 

As quiet as a child, facing their dad, 

I sit there quietly, your hands follow my grooves,

Dipping down into crevasses, 

Just like how you wash the dishes,

Scrubbing me raw.

I’ll be cleaner than the bathroom connected to my dad's room, 

The room my mom no longer sleeps in, 

Now I understand why, 

I’ll be clean, but still very dirty. 

I’ll look in your eyes, 

It just so happens that I’m your prey, 

You're a bear, 

Peeling the skin off my body, 

Blaming me for bleeding, 

On your white bedsheets, 

That you've worked so hard to keep clean, 

Maybe they're clean, but you’re still very dirty. 

Comforting me, telling me this feeling is normal.

It's just my first time, 

Everyone is nervous the first time, you convince me. 

This is how my mom felt, 

Signing her life away on papers, 

It was just her first time, her first marriage. 

That's why she got so anxious,

That's why she started obsessing over everything being perfect, 

She kept our home spotless, 

It may look clean, but the history is dirty. 

You look for me, 

Like a wolf, I’m your prey. 

Like my dad, for his cigarettes.

You search for my innocence, 

You lost it, even when you were begging for me to give it to you. 

You look so clean, but your soul is dirty.