He quotes philosophers at me

he says “you know what my favourite philosophy quote is?”

“no man can step in the same river twice,

for it is not the same river,

and he is not the same man.”

he says a name i don’t recognise.

i say “that’s a lyric from a song in pocahontas.”

“you can’t step in the same river twice.”

he nods. he hasn’t seen it in years.

two years later he says

“you know what my favourite philosophy quote is?”

i say you told me that last time.

that you can’t step in the same river twice.

“for it is not the same river and he is not the same man.”

i still don’t recognise that name.

something funny, a little stupid.

i expect a cheesy reply.

he’s being sarcastic.

i drop a hint. maybe stop taking the piss?

he takes the piss.

i stop being subtle. pick your moments.

it’s just his “stupid sense of humour.”

i knew that.

he waits for his joke to land for two days.

he says we could have dinner after this.

sounds nice.

“great, we’ll pick up some pizzas from waitrose on the way home”

his hand grazes my neck upstairs.

i try not to be subtle with my hints. lean my head back.

he moves his hand away.

am i the cruel one?

am i purposefully ruining something?

am i being cold and unforgiving?

am i intentionally distancing myself?

out of what? fear? anger? shame?

mercy?

he’s been cruel.

he’s been apologetic.

he’s been forgiving.

he’s been making an effort. constantly.

he’s naive.

he is an innocent, i am a viper in the nest

i know what’s coming and i know he has done nothing wrong.

i know i am not happy. i know why.

he quotes philosophers at me

he tells me i’m too idealist

“he’s such a good catch”

he holds me gently, his warmth radiates

he’s drunk, he’s trying, he’s sweet, he’s a dick

he’s not ready for a relationship

he’s sorry

he can’t believe i’m his girlfriend

he’s quoting that philosopher again

he’s just checking in

he misses me

he’s just not doing it right

he’s just not getting what i’m saying

he’s not what i thought he was

he’s not