i am not gone

i am gone
but i am not
i am here
as i was

i am still
pressed between pages
the dust on worn-down stages
the freckles on my sibling's faces
i am things and words and favourite places

when you are 
beside yourself with grief
wishing you could see me
denying all your feelings
praying to the
patchy ceiling
of my four walls

i am still there
i am left on the pillowcase
stray locks of hair
i am sitting on my window
for fresher air
i never really left you
i would not dare

i am in my classroom
wiping precious tears
from rested eyes
as i look around the tables
and try to hold back cries
so many little lives
that were briefly part of mine
i am not gone, i am hoping
they make the most of their time

i am in the chapel pew
sobbing, on my knees
pleading up to God
to forgive a selfish 
sinner like me
i am seeing all the truth now
i am life on the other side of death
and still begging God to make me better
with every single breath

i am gone
but i never
really was

i am every place i've been to
everything i've ever loved
all the people i have held
all the hopes i ever dreamed of
if you've searched for my face
and grieved too much to hold
if your cheeks are painted blue
and your fingertips are cold
if you're still hoping to find me
if you feel like nothing's left
i am not gone, i am still here
loving you with every breath

i am not gone, i never was
i am not as far as it seems
and you cant see me, cannot feel me
but you can hope
can pray
can dream
if you truly want to reach me
tuck a clover between the paper
and remember, this is not goodbye
it is simply
see you later. 

01:57am - 25/05/26 - my window.