Forever fifteen

Today marks two years.

Two years since you left.

And I still don’t understand it.

You were fifteen.

Fifteen.

The age of exams,
of silly jokes with friends,
of impossible dreams,
of wondering what you’ll be when you grow up.

But you never got to grow up.

Sometimes I look at your photos
and I wonder what you’d be doing now.

What your voice would sound like.

What music you’d listen to.

If we would still be friends.

And then I remember
that I’ll never get to know.

Because there were people who turned your life
into a nightmare.

And because one day
you just couldn’t take it anymore.

The worst part is you came into my life
when I wasn’t okay either.

I had just lost my dad.

I felt like I was drowning.

And then you appeared.

Not to fix anything.

Just to stay.

And that was enough.

You were the person who helped me
keep going
when I didn’t know how.

That’s why it hurts so much.

Because when I lost you,
I felt like I lost a part of myself again.

Sometimes I wonder if you knew
how important you were.

If you knew that to me
you were like an angel.

Because you came when I needed you most.

And you left too soon.

Sometimes I think about everything you missed.

Birthdays

.

Laughter.

People you would have met.

The life you deserved to have.

And it breaks my heart.

Because I keep growing.

I’ll turn eighteen.

Then nineteen.

Then twenty.

And you will always be fifteen.

Some days the pain feels smaller.

And other days it comes back all at once.

Like today.

Because today I can’t stop thinking
that the world failed you.

And that you deserved so much more

.

I miss you.

More than words can explain.

And I think a part of me
will keep missing you
until the very last day of my life.