What is it I am?

Imagine wanting to be a musician. But being a mathematician. 

Isnt it amusing. Seeing how life's division. 

Will add up your skills. And subtract all your love. For life is money for them. So they'll multiply until done. But theyre never done. For money piles onto infinity. And within their so called divinity, is a Trinity of hatred, breaking and serenity. As we give up on our missions we, live until were finished we, work until diminished we, grow to know finitely, the lack of love for definitely, and oh how silly it is in it, the silence from them is killing me. I just wanna feel some electricity, a meaning for life to be given me, and previously, to be forgiven, we live in life finitely. Yet feel free. Oh how lovely. The impossibility. Seems to be.

I wanna make art. 

But I can't.

And I could.

If I had the time. 

But from the start. 

It is not. 

If I should. 

Even try. 

It's that I, 

Cant defend. 

Me from my, 

Knack at STEM. 

Lack of freedom. 

Bcs i don't know. 

Whether to not be dumb. 

Or go rogue. 

Arts not a job. 

For the smart. 

Youll be broke. 

At the start. 

And then you'll grow. 

Maybe. 

Or just collapse. 

Eventually. 

And find your way back home.

To where you hate but you know. 

And to say for me to let go. 

And follow the path I don't know. 

To go the ways that I dream of. 

Is absurd.

Dream on. 

But it's my brain. 

That hates my skill. 

Inside my skull

That hated this game. 

And my life that kills to kill. 

Any fun with nothin but nothing. 

I don't like any thing. 

That I can do for life. 

And anything that I could do. 

Only works if I were to strive. 

But how can I trust myself to break me free. 

When this is the jail I placed me. 

In again and again. 

I can't trust myself in my skin. 

To go find what I want to live in. 

So I guess its just fuck me, from me, and enjoy some fucking maths bcs I'm fucking good at it so woohoo :(