I’d Call It Muscle Memory

I’d call it muscle memory —

The way I instinctively reach for my phone to call you,

The way I pretend you’re around all the time,

The way I hope every notification is you.

They tell me to behave like the person I want to be.

What if all I want to be is yours?

How much longer do I have to keep pretending

That it is real, until it is real?

Will I ever get to feel your cold warmth again?

I never knew which version of you

I would greet at the door that evening.

I don’t know if I want you.

All I know is that there is an empty seat next to me,

And there is the idea of one person who I want here.

I wish it was muscle memory for me to call someone else.

Such a funny thing, muscle memory —

It keeps reaching for what I’m trying to forget.

 - Ria <3