Not The Man I Used To Be

I’m not the man I used to be,

The one who swallowed every doubt,

Who learned to smile through everything

And never let the feelings out.

I’m not able to go with the flow,

To let tomorrow find its way.

I need to know where I belong,

I need some reason I should stay.

I’m not able to keep feelings from showing,

They spill through cracks I cannot hide.

I used to bury every ache,

Now every wound is open wide.

I used to be so easygoing,

So careless with the things you’d say.

Now every silence feels like distance,

And every distance feels like “go away.”

Perhaps I changed somewhere between

The promises and things undone.

Perhaps the man you fell for faded

Long before I knew he’d gone.

I wish I could become him again,

The man who never asked for more,

Who loved you without needing proof,

Who never questioned what love was for.

But I’m not him, and maybe that

Is something I should finally see.

I became a man who feels too much,

And maybe he’s not who you want me to be.

So if you look at me and wonder

Where the easier version went,

Maybe he was only someone

I could be before I learned what losing meant.

I’m not the man I used to be.

I’m not the man you want me to be.

And perhaps the hardest truth of all

Is learning I may never again be.