Just Kiss Me Already

I was seventeen and terrified,

though anyone watching us
would have thought we were
just two girls sharing coffee,
laughing too hard,
finding excuses to stay a little longer.

Maybe she thought that too.

Maybe this wasn't a date at all.

Maybe I had imagined every glance,
every smile that lingered
one second longer than friendship required.

I sat across from her,
pretending to listen to the music,
pretending my heart wasn't trying
to escape through my throat.

Did she know?

Could she tell that I had rehearsed
this evening a hundred times,
that I had changed my shirt three times,
that my hands were shaking
every time our fingers almost touched?

I wondered if she felt the same.

Was she nervous too?

Or was she completely calm,
unaware that I was busy questioning
every dream I'd ever had?

What if I kissed her
and discovered I was wrong?

What if all those secret fantasies,
all those late-night hopes,
all those years of wondering
had led me to a door
that opened to nothing?

And what if I didn't kiss her?

Would I spend years wondering
what might have happened?

Then there was the other fear.

What if someone we knew saw us?

What if they noticed the way
I couldn't stop looking at her?

What if they understood
before I fully understood myself?

The questions marched through my mind
like an endless parade.

Who would make the first move?

Would she?

Would I?

Would we sit here forever,
circling the moment
like nervous dancers
afraid to step onto the floor?

The night stretched on.

Conversation became pauses.

Pauses became smiles.

Smiles became possibilities.

And suddenly I wasn't thinking
about the future anymore.

I wasn't thinking about labels,
or fears,
or what other people might say.

I was only thinking about
the space between us.

That impossible,
tiny distance.

Finally I wanted to laugh.

After all this worrying,
all this wondering,
all these ridiculous questions—

Why can't we just kiss
and get it over with?

And when we finally did,

the world didn't end.

The sky didn't fall.

Every question vanished
like fog in sunlight.

There was only her smile,
my racing heart,
and the sweet realization

that some answers
can only be found
on the other side
of a first kiss.

© Susie Stiles-Wolf