The Colors on My Surface

I was just a child

painted red—

for my need

of survival.

 

To please

and disregard

that gentle voice who said,

"There are more colors than

the one to survive."

 

Time proved that voice right.

 

I soon found orange—

the color

of imagination

and discovery.

 

With it,

I molded a sacred space

in my psyche,

painting over the red

that still showed itself

on my surface

 

when the screams downstairs

bled through my focus.

 

Then came yellow,

shouting:

You have a voice

and you should use it.

 

But even as bright

as yellow was,

red still demanded

to be the loudest—

 

refusing to create

a beautiful blend

with the other shades

on my surface.

 

Green came

with the love

and admiration

I had for my mom,

 

when she still found

the ability

to make us laugh—

 

even as our world

was falling apart.

 

But even with the beauty

of green,

red still peeked through,

 

reminding me:

you can’t escape

the need to please

and survive.

 

This is until

I found blue,

that voiced on paper

what I could not

speak out loud.

 

Written words

do not stutter

or stick in your throat

 

as you stand there,

overthinking

every word

you should say.

 

No.

Ink just states

the words.

 

It can end

with a period

for a factual statement

of your truth.

 

Or it can end

with an exclamation point,

proclaiming to the world

that these are words

you desire to scream

out into the void.

 

With blue,

the red started

to drown out.

 

Then came the indigo

of honest sight.

 

I finally saw things

for what they were,

not what I was

blinded by.

 

I could see

for the first time

that red

wasn’t just about survival—

 

it could be the color

of stability.

 

Finally,

I saw that every color

on my surface

was blending enough

 

for purple

to appear,

 

enlightening me

that the colors

were never permanent

to begin with.

 

When I was ready,

the surface

could be cleared.

 

New shades

could emerge,

 

until it was time

to clear the surface

again

 

for a new start.